Sucker!
by conrad panganiban
BIXBY (early 30’s) and GRASSHOPPER (early teens) sit at MUNI bus stop. GRASSHOPPER is sucking on a lollipop.
BIXBY: You are not 25!
GRASSHOPPER: I am so.
BIXBY: Then what year were you born?
GRASSHOPPER: Why you want to know?
BIXBY: Cuz you look like your…
GRASSHOPPER: 13. I get that a lot.
BIXBY: So… what year?
GRASSHOPPER: What’s your name?
BIXBY: Why you wanna know?
GRASSHOPPER: Cuz, I don’t share personal information with strangers.
BIXBY: Bixby.
GRASSHOPPER: 1981
BIXBY calculates the age with his finger in the air on an imaginary chalkboard.
BIXBY: I still don’t believe you.
GRASSHOPPER: If I’m lyin’, I’m dyin’.
BIXBY: Then what do you do for a living.
GRASSHOPPER: I’m a CPA.
BIXBY: Shut up! You are so not an accountant.
GRASSHOPPER: That I am.
BIXBY: So you go to work dressed like that?
GRASSHOPPER: Duh? Of course not. I just wanted to take a day off. Woke up this morning, looked outside the window, said hello to the sun, “Hi, Sun.” and then said to myself, “GrassHopper, take the day off. You deserve it.”
BIXBY: Your name is Grass Hopper? I don’t know what’s harder to believe, your age or your name.
GRASSHOPPER: Better believe it, Buddy.
BIXBY just looks at GRASSHOPPER.
GRASSHOPPER: You’re kinda weirding me out, dude.
BIXBY: I’m still trying to comprehend that you’re 25. Do you mind if I see your ID or something?
GRASSHOPPER: Yes, I do mind, cuz one, I don’t know you, and two, you’re gonna see my address and I just don’t have time in include a stalker in my already chaotic lifestyle.
BIXBY: Then what if I just ask you some questions that only a 25 year old would know.
GRASSHOPPER: I ain’t doing anything else. Shoot.
BIXBY: Where did you go to college?
GRASSHOPPER: Sac State for my undergrad. Then went to Golden Gate University for my MFA.
BIXBY: Who was your favorite boy band in the 90’s?
GRASSHOPPER: I can proudly say, Backstreet Boys.
BIXBY: Your favorite 80’s movie?
GRASSHOPPER: Back to the Future. Only the first one, I don’t count the other 2.
BIXBY: What kind of car do you drive?
GRASSHOPPER: A 2006 Mercedes-Benz S320 CDI.
BIXBY: Ha! Gotcha! You’re so lying! If you had a car, then why are you taking the bus?! Ly–errrr! Liar! You’re a 13 year old impersonator!
BIXBY does a little jig to celebrate his discovery. As he dances around, GRASSHOPPER takes out the key to her Benzo.
BIXBY: What’s that?
GRASSHOPPER: The key to my benz, which is at the home that I own cuz I hate driving in the city with its superfluous amount of bike messengers and its miniscule number of parking spaces.
BIXBY: Oh… I guess you are who you say you are. Sorry.
GRASSHOPPER: Unfortunately, as I said, I get it all the time.
BIXBY: I’m really sorry. I feel like a complete heel. Is there any way that I can make it up to you?
GRASSHOPPER holds out her hand.
GRASSHOPPER: Hi, my name is GrassHopper.
BIXBY: I’m Bixby.
GRASSHOPPER: There. Reset. Start over.
BIXBY: You know, Back to the Future is one of my favorite movies too… One point twenty-one jiggawatts!
GRASSHOPPER: You don’t say.
BIXBY: I do, and I’m also saying that the Regal out in Berkeley is having a midnight showing of it on Saturday, and if you weren’t doing anything that night, perhaps you wouldn’t mind joining me.
GRASSHOPPER: Sounds like a very tempting offer. But, I’m kind of… attached right now.
BIXBY: Right. I should have known that you had a boyfriend.
GRASSHOPPER: Not exactly. A little more than that.
Enter PAPANG, GRASSHOPPER’s dad.
PAPANG: Hoy. Where’s my keys?
GRASSHOPPER: Right here, Dad.
PAPANG: Let’s go. (to BIXBY) I hope that she’s not bothering you too much! These 12 year olds are starting to cause too much trouble.
PAPANG exits.
GRASSHOPPER: Thanks for the invite, Mister, but i gotta jet! See ya… sucker!
GRASSHOPPER exits.
BIXBY just stares in awe, and then goes into convulsions of what he just did. Ew!
THE END