I haven’t been nervous lately. That’s a problem.
Explanation: Last month I helped write the script for a multimedia presentation called OVER THE RAINBOW for an Filipina/o American Literature class. It was a devised work consisting of groups concentrating on poetry, video, movement, and skit groups. So, my group came up with a general outline for the play part and I wrote the first draft which went through more drafts as part of the group. The entire process took about 2.5 weeks with 2.5 rehearsals! In short, it was produced at Bindlestiff Studio in SF and went awesome! I even got to act in it.
BUT, I wasn’t nervous about what I wrote. It was odd. I remember I’d get nervous during a READING and now that this was an actual performance (off-book), I felt like I disconnected enough from the writing of it that there was nothing to get nervous about. Maybe because it was such a collaborative effort, I didn’t feel the pressure of having the words feel solely mine… although a majority of the play was my words, unlike another work of mine which will be produced next year.
But, I digress, getting back to the feeling of being nervous–I might be over it–and that’s not a good thing. Maybe I’m just being superstitious. I recently heard a saying, “If you’re not nervous, it means that you don’t care enough.” Well, I certainly beg to differ with that statement. I care! I think! Maybe it’s because I care more about whether or not the message lands with the audience rather than what I think about my own feelings at the time. Hmmm… possibly that it’s really more of a question of my evolution as a writer than as a person who is putting his words “out there” to be criticized that has moved me away from being nervous. So, now it’s moved to hoping that the audience understands what I’m trying to say rather than worrying about how they think of ME as a writer.
Well, I guess that solves that. Plus, it helps to have had enough of workshops of my work in a safe space setting where I have been met with the silence of “What worked for you?” or any of those general comments of, “Well, this didn’t work for me?” or “I felt lost here” or “It feels like you were circling around this…”.
In conclusion, I’ve grown up a writer. Believe me, I’ll still get nervous especially during new circumstances, but I’m proud to say that with each experience I grow more confident in my writing and more importantly, I’m allowing myself to fail.