SAFE AT WAVERLY
by Conrad A. Panganiban
CAST
DOROTHY HABBERSHAM: Female truancy officer for The Wizardly Academy.
ZOE RIVERA: A Sophomore at The Wizardly Academy just caught ditching school for the 13th time this semester.
Lights up on an airplane wing as it speeds through the day sky. On this wing are two passengers: ZOE, a bright 16-year-old Goth kid, and the much older business person, DOROTHY. ZOE is sitting staring straight ahead while Dorothy is sitting at a desk with a laptop in front of her.
DOROTHY is typing with her two index fingers.
(DOROTHY is trying to yell over a very loud engine and wind noise.)
DOROTHY
“AND THAT’S WHY I L! E! F! T!”
ZOE
WHAT?!
DOROTHY
LEFT!!!
ZOE looks to the left.
ZOE
WHAT’S LEFT?
DOROTHY
WHY YOU LEFT?! THAT’S WHAT YOU SAID!
ZOE
LEFT? I DIDN’T LEAVE ANYTHING!
DOROTHY
WHAT?!
ZOE
I DIDN’T /
(DOROTHY snaps her fingers and the noise suddenly ends.)
ZOE
LEAVE ANYTHING!
Anything.
I didn’t leave anything.
DOROTHY
I did not say, “leave anything.” I asked you if that’s the reason why you left?
ZOE
Yes.
DOROTHY types, Y – E – S.
ZOE
Can’t we do this inside there?
DOROTHY
If you didn’t break my broom, then we wouldn’t need to be out here.
ZOE
If you didn’t start chasing me, then you’d still have your broom.
DOROTHY
If you stopped when I told you to stop, then we would be riding back to the Academy on said broom instead of flying back on a wing of this jet.
ZOE
The Academy has enough of my parents’ money to fly INSIDE THE PLANE and NOT out here.
DOROTHY
Enough, Ms. Rivera. You have to take the responsibility for your actions and that’s why we are BOTH out here.
Now if you don’t mind? I need to finish this report…
(DOROTHY reads off where she left off typing.)
“And… that’s… why… I… L… E… F… T… left.” Anything else you’d like to add to this statement, Ms. Rivera.
ZOE
No. And if I did, it’d take you forever to type it. How did you ever get a job working at Wizardly by not knowing how to type, Dotty?
DOROTHY
It would be appropriate if you were to address me by Ms. Habbersham, Ms. Rivera.
ZOE mockingly imitates DOROTHY.
ZOE
“It would be appropriate if you were to address me by Mizzz Habbersham, Mizzz Riveraaa…”
DOROTHY
Being cheeky, Ms. Rivera, won’t help your case.
ZOE
I’m not trying to be cheeky. I’m trying to be a smart-ass.
DOROTHY begins to type again.
DOROTHY
“Smart A… S… S.”
ZOE
What a dip wad.
DOROTHY
What was that, Ms. Rivera?
ZOE
D. I. P. Space. W. A. D.
DOROTHY
I’m afraid your grandparents will be very disappointed in this latest state of affairs you’ve put them through.
ZOE
Where do you think I get this sense of adventure from?
DOROTHY
That sense of adventure is what led to your grandparents to become your guardians, Ms. Rivera.
ZOE
You can call me Zoe if we go in there where it’s much warmer!
DOROTHY
Heshem Loripsum.
Feel warmer now?
ZOE
I’d feel warmer inside.
ZOE waves at some of the passengers inside the plane.
ZOE
Can’t they see us?
DOROTHY
No.
ZOE gets up and starts dancing around and does things to try to get their attention.
ZOE
Woo-hoo?!?! Can’t you hear me in there!?
DOROTHY
If you were in class to learn how to reverse the cloaking spell…
ZOE
I don’t want to learn that spell… or or or a spell to get warm… or a spell to turn off wind or sound… I don’t even want to know how to spell receive!
DOROTHY
‘I’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ therefore, receive is spelled–
ZOE
I DON’T CARE!
DOROTHY
Ms. Rivera. Don’t you realize how special the gifts you have are? Wizardly is the only school in this Dimension to teach you how / to harness
ZOE
I don’t want to learn how to do anything with them!
DOROTHY
Don’t throw away your talent!
ZOE
Talent? Okay, let’s see this talent work.
Tanaka Shimizu!
A toilet paper roll is thrown at ZOE and she catches it.
ZOE
Voulez vous les petit!
The buzzing of kazoos fill the air!
DOROTHY
Magasiner de la gazpachao.
The buzzing stops.
ZOE
I was just about to make them sing Happy Birthday!
DOROTHY looks through some papers on her desk.
DOROTHY
Osvaldo Rivera. Born August 2nd 1972.
ZOE
Died March 25th 2014.
DOROTHY
Same as Maritza Rivera.
Both killed in a camping accident. Zoe Rivera was the only survivor.
ZOE
Can we go inside now?
DOROTHY
What caused the accident, Ms. Rivera?
ZOE
Isn’t it your report, Mizzz Habbersham?
DOROTHY
Interestingly enough, it isn’t.
ZOE
It’s not?
DOROTHY
Why don’t you tell me?
ZOE
I’ll tell you inside.
DOROTHY
You can tell me out here.
ZOE
NO IN THERE!
DOROTHY
Why can’t you tell me out here?
ZOE
Because I can’t–
DOROTHY
Just tell me–
ZOE
Because they died out here! This is where they died! OUT HERE! DOWN THERE!
DOROTHY
What happened?
ZOE
I said something. I don’t know what I said, but the next thing I heard after saying those words was the sound of the ground rumbling. First pebbles, then rocks and then… it was like the sky started to vomit boulders all around us. Dad tried so hard to keep a forcefield around us… but something I said. What kind of talent kills a family? Especially mine!
DOROTHY
Your didn’t kill them. It was an accident.
ZOE
It was stupid MAGIC! Something I don’t want anymore! Why can’t you just leave me alone?
DOROTHY
It’s not that easy. Especially for you. Actually, it’s impossible. You are special, Zoe.
ZOE
Stop saying that!
DOROTHY
You are. And what makes you special is that you will never be rid of it. No matter how many times you try to leave Waverly, I will find you. What makes you think that you won’t cause more deaths?
ZOE
Easy. I can just stop talking. Become a drifter. It’s easy. I don’t have a family. I don’t have anyone. I can disappear.
DOROTHY
No. I can disappear. Literally. But you. You can’t because you don’t know how. And if you don’t come back to Waverly, then believe me, you will kill again.
ZOE
Kill? You said that it was an accident.
DOROTHY
The death of your family was an accident. But the more you don’t know how to control your gifts, you will kill people–accidentally… and on purpose.
ZOE
I’d never do that.
DOROTHY
You’re not the first one who can fall to the dark side.
ZOE
This isn’t Star Wars.
DOROTHY
No. This is worse.
ZOE
Then I should just jump off this wing so you wouldn’t have to worry about me causing any accidents anymore.
DOROTHY
They’ll get you before you hit the ground.
ZOE
Who’s they?
Long flashes of light surround them.
DOROTHY
Now would be a good time to go inside. Get your things! Now!
E Pluribus Zoonem!
The sound of the plane engine is heard again.
ZOE
WHO ARE THEY!?
DOROTHY
The ones sent to kill you!
ZOE
But they look like…
DOROTHY grabs Zoe’s arm.
DOROTHY
LET’S GO!
ZOE
Dad… MOM!!!!
Lights off!
END OF PLAY