Our Last Dance
A Heartbreakingly Short Romantic Comedy
by conrad a. panganiban
CAST OF CHARACTERS
NOAH: Early 30s. Male. Scorned former fiance of Harper.
ELENA: Early 20s. Female. Noah’s date and aspiring model and actress with a Strong Spanish accent.
HARPER: Late 20s. Female. Business Professional. Noah’s ex-fiance.
GILLES: Early 40s. Male. The French smarmy movie producer and Harper’s date.
SETTING
A beautiful outdoor wedding near a very familiar bench.
PLAYWRIGHT’S NOTE
Playwright’s note: Gilles is said using the French pronunciation (G – pronounced as ‘s’ in vision; ?illes – pronounced as ‘eel’; Note that the ‘s’ is silent
Lights up on NOAH and ELENA. Both are dressed in Wedding Guest attire. As ELENA is going over her lines, NOAH is turned away from her staring at a park bench near them.
ELENA
Hello, I work at Jackson and Sons. Hello, I work at Jackson and Sons. Hola, I work at Jackson and Sons.
NOAH
You have to be natural when you say it, Elena.
ELENA
Pero, I was.
NOAH
Okay. Now, what do you do there?
ELENA
I am the Public Relations Associate handling the talents for… (begins to laugh) I’m sorry, Mr. Sarmiento.
(NOAH turns around to face her)
NOAH
No-ah. Elena, please, call me Noah.
ELENA
Okay, Noah. But do I have to say, I handle the talents?
NOAH
Yes. That’s what you have to say.
ELENA
But that makes me LOL. What about if I just say that I’m in charge of Public Relations for Mario Lopez?
NOAH
No. The line needs to be George Lopez.
ELENA
But, I like the Mario better.
NOAH
I’m sure you do, but you have to stick to the script, okay? Now, where did you go to school?
ELENA
UCS.
NOAH
No. USC. USC. We went to UCLA, so that will make her mad.
ELENA
But I want to go to UCLA.
NOAH
You can’t. No improvising. You have to be perfect.
(Enter HARPER and GILLES.)
There she is! Look hot.
(ELENA strikes an overdone cover girl magazine pose, as NOAH turns around to say…)
Harper! What a surprise to see you here.
HARPER
I was in the wedding party.
NOAH
That was you? Sorry, my bad. Everyone looked so plain compared to the Bride. But you looked… nice.
HARPER
Thanks. Um, this is Gilles. Gilles, this is Noah.
(GILLES extends his hand, which NOAH reluctantly takes.)
GILLES
Bonsoir.
NOAH
Hi. Oh, and this is Elena.
(ELENA extends her hand limply to shake Harper and Gille’s hands.)
ELENA
I went to UCS.
HARPER
Excuse me?
NOAH
USC. She meant USC. Go Trojans!
(ELENA begins to dig into her purse.)
ELENA
Oh, do you need some?
(NOAH stops her as he tries to cover up her faux pas with over-the-top laughter.)
NOAH
HAHAHAHA. Oh, Elena. Aren’t you a scrumptious bowl of guacamole? Trojans?!
(NOAH pantomimes that Elena has had a little too much to drink.)
HARPER
Ah. So, um, Elena. What is it that do you do?
ELENA
Hello, I work at Jackson and Sons.
HARPER
Oh, really. I do too.
NOAH
You do?
HARPER
Started there last August.
NOAH
Uh, congrats. That’s… great news.
HARPER
Thanks. (To ELENA) So, who are some of your clients?
ELENA
Mario Lopez.
GILLES
Mario is a true professional. We hired him for Battle Beach Memoirs 2.
ELENA
I loved that movie!
HARPER
Gilles produced it.
ELENA
Ooo… the Producer.
(ELENA moves closer to Gilles.)
HARPER
Our office handles the financials–
(ELENA starts to laugh.)
–for some of Maverick Studio’s executives.
HARPER
I’m sorry, did I say something funny?
ELENA
You said that you handle his financials.
HARPER
Rrrright.
So, you look good, Noah.
NOAH
Thanks. I started playing tennis again. And you?
HARPER
Not for a while. Been busy with the job and all…
NOAH
(To GILLES) Back in college, she was ranked number three on the Bruin tennis team.
GILLES
Tennis is wimpy. You should try a real man sport. Have you ever gone Noodling?
NOAH
Noodling? Well, that sounds real… manly. Sorry, I’m not familiar with it.
GILLES
No? Perhaps you’ve heard of it by another name: grabbling, graveling, hogging, dogging, gurgling, tickling, stumping, catfisting…?
NOAH
Ooo… can’t say that I’ve ever fisted a cat.
GILLES
That’s a shame.
ELENA
I like fisting.
I started taking kick boxing classes.
GILLES
It’s a sport where you catch fish.
NOAH
Ah. Fishing.
GILLES
Catfish actually. With your bare hands.
ELENA
In the water?
GILLES
Not as easy as it seems. You have to put your arm into a catfish hole and because it’s both scared and aggressive, it swallows your arm. Once it does that, you have to feel your way inside it, you know, and give it a little pull. Sometimes you have to take your fingers like this and give it a little rub it back and forth to get a good hold of it’s insides before you yank it out of the water.
MARICEL
Oooo… Muy caliente!
NOAH
Dude. Poor fish.
HARPER
Didn’t you say that you were doing some Noodling, when you got the idea for the original Battle Beach Memoirs?
GILLES
Oui. And for Battle Tank Ninjas, Battle Scar Tarantulas, and Beetle Battle Babes from Mars.
ELENA
I auditioned for that movie!
GILLES
Do you remember the lines for the audition?
(As ELENA gets into her part, GILLES mouths the words with her.)
ELENA/GILLES
Alright, you Scallywags! You can either stay here and fight with me, or you can get chewed, swallowed and poo’d out by those Super Duper Ninja Spiders. I didn’t hijack a space cruiser from Mars to just lay down and cry for my mommy! Do you wanna know why? It’s because I’m a Beetle Battle Babe! Are you?! (to HARPER) Are you a Beetle Battle Babe?
HARPER
Uh…
ELENA
Are you a Beetle Battle Babe?!
HARPER
I uh uhh–?
ELENA
ARE YOU A BEETLE! BATTLE! BABE!!!
HARPER
Yes! Yes! I’m a Beetle Battle Babe!
ELENA
And scene.
(GILLES starts to proudly applaud..)
GILLES
Bravo! Tres bon! Very impressive. I think I remember your audition. Red tank top, oui?
ELENA
Topless.
GILLES
That’s right! I wanted to hire you, but my partner hired his daughter instead.
ELENA
Well, I’m still available for any other role playing parts you may have. If you want me?
GILLES
Oh, I want you. I want you real bad.
HARPER
Uh… Gilles, honey, can you get me a Spanakopita?
GILLES
I love it when you talk dirty.
HARPER
I meant that bread thingy off the appetizer tray on that table over there?
GILLES
Ah. But of course.
(GILLES exists while eyeing Elena.)
ELENA
I want to get a Spanking too. No-ah?
NOAH
Uh… maybe later. Go ahead.
(Exit ELENA.)
HARPER
Elena is… really beautiful.
NOAH
Yeah. And so is Jill.
HARPER
Gille. It’s French.
NOAH
Of course. Gille is… Cat fisting? You’ve never…
HARPER
Fisted a cat? No.
NOAH
Good. Good. So, how’ve you been?
HARPER
I’ve been good. Great even.
NOAH
Ah. That’s… great. How’s the family?
HARPER
Good. Mom’s doing better. She’s back home.
NOAH
Great. That’s great news.
HARPER
Thanks for the flowers.
NOAH
Oh, yeah. Figured it’s the least I could do. Sorry, I didn’t come by to visit. It’s just been… you know.
HARPER
Yeah. And, how’s your mom?
NOAH
She’s good. Thanks for asking.
HARPER
Does she still hate me?
NOAH
For canceling our wedding? Yeah. A lot, actually.
Look, I’m sorry if this was awkward for you. I wasn’t planning on coming.
HARPER
Why not? I mean, Jessica is your friend too. She asked me if it was all right if she invited you and I said, Of course. Don’t let what happened between us ruin your friendship with him. I mean, you’ve known her way longer than me. And it’s not like you’re the violent type to start yelling and throwing stuff… right?
NOAH
You never know, maybe Noodling might change me. But honestly, after 8 years, you should know that I’m not like that.
HARPER
I didn’t think that Helena.
NOAH
Elena. No H. Just Elena.
HARPER
I didn’t think that Elena would be your type.
NOAH
What type do you mean?
HARPER
The Beetle Battle Babe Type.
NOAH
She’s passionate about her acting.
HARPER
Is that what she studied at UCS? Really?
NOAH
Well, it’s better than Mr. Jill playing sexy sexy with a fish!
HARPER
Gille! His name is Gille! And at least he got his shit together, not like some people. How’s that writing thing going? Making enough to move out of your mom’s place yet?
NOAH
Hey! I pay rent now!
(Enter GILLE and MARICELLA both carrying extra drinks for Harper and Noah.)
GILLES
There were no more spankings so we got more drinks.
(HARPER and NOAH take the glasses and both down them in one shot.)
NOAH
Thanks, Jill. I meant, Gilles. Gilles, merci beau coup.
HARPER
Yes, Gilles. Darling. Thank you for the drinks.
NOAH
And I must say, Elena. You’ve never looked as gorgeous as you do right now.
HARPER
That must be a really strong drink.
ELENA
Excuse me?
HARPER
Oh, Gilles. How do you keep looking so manly amongst all these boys here?
GILLES
I use a Viagra extract shampoo and body conditioner with a specially shaped loofa sponge.
NOAH
Specially shaped?
GILLES
It feels like a vagina.
HARPER
So, Elena. No-ah never said where you two met.
ELENA
Desde Craigslist.
NOAH
Craig List…erine. You remember Craig from college. The guy with the good breath.
HARPER
Craigslist?
GILLES
Aha! Oui! I look at escorts page on Craigslist Bay Area last night and you are on page three! I must say that you look better in person.
ELENA
Gracias.
HARPER
You brought a hooker to a wedding?
NOAH
I’m insulted. Elena is an es– actress! I hired an actress. Did you forget? She’s a Beetle Battle Babe!
GILLES
And a very good Beetle Battle Babe. (Lets loose a tiger tongue roll) Grrr…
HARPER
You actually paid someone to come to a wedding with you?
GILLES
I do it all the time.
NOAH
I didn’t have to hire someone.
HARPER
Then why’d you do it?
ELENA
No-ah wanted to make you jealous.
HARPER
Make me jealous?
NOAH
I wouldn’t say jealous. It’s more like… a little… maybe.
I didn’t want to come here alone.
GILLES
Oooo… (To MARICEL) Mon Cherie, that might be our cue to leave them alone.
(GILLES offers his arm to escort MARICEL away.)
ELENA
No-ah?
(NOAH approvingly nods his head.)
ELENA (CONT.)
(To HARPER) Just to let you know, he refused to pay for any nookie nookie. Solamente acting gig. Don’t be too hard on him. He’s a good man. Besides, he pays more attention to that bench than he does me.
(Exit GILLES and MARICEL)
(NOAH motions to the bench.)
NOAH
It’s still here.
HARPER
I noticed. Even still has the date on it.
NOAH
Vandal.
HARPER
Well, you only get engaged… So Jackson and Sons…
NOAH
She liked how they sang, I’ll Be There.
HARPER
Wow.
NOAH
It’s not like Mr. Fisty Cat there.
HARPER
At least I didn’t hire him.
NOAH
TouchŽ.
(Pause.)
So, you and him aren’t…?
HARPER
Him? No. No. I’m just… work. Getting ahead, you know. Gilles’s here for a meeting and my boss wanted me to woo him into procuring our services.
NOAH
(Mocking GILLE) I like it when you talk dirty.
HARPER
Shut up. Our Accounting Services. You?
NOAH
My accounting services has never been better. Almost out of debt. Used a lot of the money I saved up for… you know. But I’m good. I had an article published in a magazine out in New York.
HARPER
I saw.
NOAH
You did?
HARPER
You posted it on Facebook.
NOAH
Right! Right.
HARPER
Don’t worry, I saw it on Jessica’s page. That’s good. Great. Great news.
NOAH
Sorry for unfriending you.
HARPER
Yeah, well. I… understand. Are you going to take that job there too? I saw your tweet. I swear I’m not stalking you.
NOAH
I’m leaving at the end of the month. I figured that I don’t have anything else to keep me here anymore.
HARPER
Right. Good. I’m proud of you. I mean… wow.
(HARPER gives him a hug.)
Congratulations. You’ve always wanted to move there and… wow. NYC. I’m / really…
NOAH
I miss you.
(Pause.)
And I should have fought to keep you.
HARPER
Noah, we don’t have to…
NOAH
Let me just get this off my chest. Please? I’ve kinda been practicing this speech in my head and…
(Pause)
I should have fought to keep you. Everyone asked why we split up. We never fought. We never broke up. You were my other half, and… 8 years, Harper. Things just went… we just needed to go our separate ways – a natural separation. But we… I mean, I should’ve… Nothing is going to change what happened, but, I’m being honest when I say this, I’m glad that you’re doing well. Truly. I mean, Jackson and Sons. You’ve always wanted to work there, and now… That’s great. As a friend, I think you went further without me, then if we were still together. But as a friend… I miss my best friend.
HARPER
I miss you too, but…
NOAH
… it’s not the same.
HARPER
Yeah.
NOAH
Still completing each other’s sentences.
HARPER
And thoughts.
NOAH
Can you stop doing that? You’re starting to creep me out.
(The both share a laugh.)
HARPER
I never said that I wanted to stop being friends.
NOAH
And I didn’t know how to be just friends.
(HARPER extends her hand to him)
HARPER
Hi. I’m Harper Marisigan.
(NOAH takes her hand)
NOAH
Hi. I’m Noah Sarmiento.
(As Gary Valenciano’s I Will Be Here begins to play, the both let go of their holds and look at the Wedding Couple off-stage as they begin their…)
HARPER
First dance.
NOAH
Yeah. Remember the first time…
HARPER
… we heard this? Driving from his concert in…
NOAH
… San Jose. My friend turned me into a fan.
HARPER
Your friend has good taste.
NOAH
Seems to be a popular first dance choice. May I…
(Enter GILLES and ELENA)
GILLES
(To HARPER) May I have this dance?
(Without a word, GILLES takes HARPER’s hand and they begin to dance.)
NOAH
(To ELENA) May I?
(NOAH takes ELENA’s hand and they begin to dance.)
As lights begin to fade out on both couples slow dancing, HARPER and NOAH look at each other.
BLACKOUT.
END OF PLAY