BANG BANG CLAP
A Comedy Sketched into Two Banging Bamboo Poles
by conrad a. panganiban
Characters:
A: A Pin@y of any gender of any age
DOC: A Therapist of any gender of any age
A is sitting down while DOC is standing with a pad and paper.
A: Doc! Ya gotta help me! The sounds are back! I can’t eat. Can’t sleep. I can’t even focus on my work!
DOC: And what is it you do again?
A: Television. It’s pilot season and I can’t afford to lose more time.
DOC: Oh, so you’re an actor.
A: No. A writer.
DOC: Ooo… how exciting! I’d love to have that power to create my own characters.
A: It would be if you only can make this stop!
DOC: Of course, uhhhh… how long did you say it has been going for?
A: Ever since I got back from the Festival downtown.
DOC: Cherry Blossom?
A: No thanks. I’m not thirsty.
DOC: Gay pride?
A: I wish I were that happy.
DOC: Carnaval?
A: That’s where the thong booty dancers dance, ain’t it?
DOC: Like the top view of two bread loaves bouncing up and down like Jiffy Pop Popcorn.
A: But what does that have to do with me going to the Filipino Festival?
DOC: Because that’s where you first heard that constant banging?
A: Yes. At the Filipino Festival.
DOC: The banging in your head.
A: Yes. Make it go away!
DOC: Can you describe the sound?
A: It’s like a Bang and then another Bang.
(DOC pantomimes shooting a gun.)
DOC: Like a gun going off. And then going off again?
A: No.
DOC: Like stripper letting down a cup one at a time?
(DOC pantomimes taking two cups off from the crotch area.)
A: Not quite, but close.
DOC: Like the sound you hear when you do this? (Pelvic thrust) BANG! (Pelvic thrust) BANG!
A: I don’t do that.
DOC: What about when I do it? (Pelvic thrust) BANG! (Pelvic thrust) BANG!
A: I heard it that time. But not the kind of banging that’s going on in here! (Points to own head.)
DOC: Like two bamboo poles hitting a floor.
A: You hear it too?
DOC: No. I still hear the pelvic thrusts. (Pelvic thrust) BANG! (Pelvic thrust) BANG!
(Sound Effect: Tinikling Bamboo claps barely heard in the background.)
(A points to the air above them.)
A: There! There! Did you hear that?
DOC: I only hear Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up when I look into the air like that.
(Sound Effect: Tinikling Bamboo claps are louder now.)
A: Bang bang clap. Bang bang clap! You have to hear it now!
DOC: Hmmmm…. Interesting. Is it getting louder?
A: Yes! You do hear it!
(Enter Tinikling dancers doing a routine without the clappers.)
DOC: Now do you see dancers moving to the Bang Bang Clap?
A: I see them! I see them! They’re dancing all around us.
DOC: Oh, they are performing the Tinikling.
A: No, they’re not peeing.
DOC: I said Tinkling.
A: They’re on a grassy knoll eating?
DOC: Not picnicking!
A: They’re doing a traditional Filipino dance called the Tinikling.
DOC: Oh, Tinikiling. It looks like jump rope with sticks.
A: Doing a dangerous Running Man.
DOC: Making wine without the grapes.
A: Getting white people to stop, smile, and say, “Oooo. It’s the Filipino Stick Dance!”
DOC: And then they say, “Oh my God, they’re gonna get their feet caught!”
A: And then they say, “That looks fun, but I hope they don’t ask me to try it, but they will because I’m white and I’m smiling. Don’t smile. Must resist the smile. Gee, shucks I can’t. Crap they asked me to volunteer. Do I have to take off my shoes? My feet stink.”
DOC: That’s it!
(Tinkiling Dancers immediately stop and exit.)
A: That’s what?!
DOC: Why you’ve been hearing the clapping and the banging!
A: Why am I why?!
DOC: Have you ever danced the Tinkling?
A: Never.
DOC: Why not?
A: Because I’m scared of getting my feet caught in the bamboo!
DOC: Nope.
A: Because I know I’ll turn into a Tinkling bird, get caught, and get turned into adobo?
DOC: Almost.
A: Because of the internal guilt I’ve always had by only writing characters who are either Hawaiian, Mexican, Chinese, or adopted African!?
DOC: Adopted African?
A: It’s the new Hollywood thing. That or being Cambodian.
DOC: You didn’t mention Filipino.
(Sound Effect: Tinkling claps get louder and louder)
A: It’s back.
DOC: You didn’t mention writing a Filipino character!
A: When was the last time you saw a Filipino on TV?
DOC: Lou Diamond Philips.
A: Mexican.
DOC: Dante Basco.
A: A Lost Boy. Rufio!!!!
DOC: Prince.
A: A non descript symbol.
DOC: But couldn’t you change that?
(Sound Effect: Tinkling claps get louder and louder)
A: Not if you want to make it… make it stop?! It’s getting louder!
DOC: Reverse your guilt! Write a Filipino character!
A: I can’t. Ahhh…. It’s too loud… in my head…. no one will listen to me! They only want to hear Kung-fu action assassin… or Cartel hitmen… or fucking Tyler Perry!
DOC: You can change that!
A: Those are the only voices TV wants to hear! Those are the only voices America wants to hear! AND THIS BANG BANG CLAP IS DRIVING ME CRAZY!!!
(DOC pulls out a remote control, points it at A, and presses a button causing the Tinkling claps to stop.)
A: It’s gone. IT’S GONE!!! (Laughs hysterically.) What did you do?
DOC: (Showing A the Remote Control) Mute. Turn off the other voices. Write your own.
A: My… my own voice?
DOC: Not like a judge who turns their big red chair around.
A: My voice?
DOC: But the voice you hear in your heart. In your soul.
A: My voice.
DOC: Your voice. Your culture. Your History. You.
END OF SKETCH