Mr. Kilikili’s Mom and His Secret Asawa
A 10-minute Comedy
by conrad a. panganiban
CAST OF CHARACTERS
“Punky”: Female. 20s – 40s. Russian. Business Professional with a dark past… and present.
Billy: Male. 20s – 40s. Filipino-American. Tough and creepy assassin with a mom complex.
Mom: Female. 50s – 60s. Religious Filipina who yearns to be a grandmother.
TIME
Somewhen around after midnight, Italy time.
PLACE
Florence, Italy. In A Café. At A Table.
PLAYWRIGHT’S NOTES
The pronunciation of the Russian can be found using Google Translate: PUNKY: I vy budete nuzhdatʹsya v etom. (And you will need this.) http://translate.google.com/#auto|ru|And%20you%20will%20need%20this.
BILLY: Spasiba, no u menya yestʹ moi sobstvennye. (Thank you, but I have my own.) http://translate.google.com/#auto|ru|Thank%20you%2C%20but%20I%20have%20my%2 0own.
PUNKY: Vdykhatʹ? (Inhale?) http://translate.google.com/#en|ru|Inhale Translations for non-English words will be (parenthetically italicized).
BILLY and “PUNKY” are sitting at a table in a diner discussing business. We can tell that “Punky”, dressed in black business attire, is from Russia based on her accent. Beside her is a medium-sized duffle bag. BILLY, dressed equally as “businessy”, is a tough guy relaxing with a cup of espresso rotating between his hand and the table. Italian music plays in the background. Both are wearing sunglasses.
“PUNKY”
But your nickname… AGENT KILL KILL?
BILLY
It’s more original than THE WHITE WIDOW. Tell me, how is Mr. WIDOW?
(“Punky” looking annoyed at the question picks up the duffel bag and drops it on the table.)
“PUNKY”
One Million German Bearer Bonds now. And another One Million when you return with the special package. A picture of your target and his name are inside. Read your instructions once you board my jet. And this…
(“Punky” takes out a gun from her bag.)
I vy budete nuzhdatʹsya v etom. [And you will need this.]
(“Punky” places it in the bag, and zips it back up.)
BILLY
Spasiba, no u menya yestʹ moi sobstvennye. [Thank you, but I have my own.]
“PUNKY”
Then, use the one in the bag after you finish the job the first time… to make sure.
BILLY
I always am. That’s why it’s done twice. Bang… BANG!
“PUNKY”
BANG!
BILLY
(Annoyed) Really?! Only Bang and BANG! Two bangs. Your Bang made it three.
“PUNKY”
Fine. Bang and BANG!
BILLY
No! Now we’re up to Five! They call me Mr. KILL KILL… not MR. KILL KILL KILL… KILL. KILL. You get the picture.
“PUNKY”
Fine. Picture I get. But, what I do not get is why you picked to meet here? I thought you were staying in Rome.
BILLY
I am, but Florence has the better Caffé Ristretto. Molto meglio, sî? [Much better, yes?] Besides, you said discreet. Trust me, no one will know us here.
(Enter MOM.)
MOM
Billy? Billy!
BILLY
Mom? Wha… what are you doing here?
MOM
You forgot? It’s our Pilgrimage Tour. (She gives him a hug, kisses him on the top of his head, and squeezes next to him on a chair.) And… who’s this?
BILLY
Oh. Uh… “Punky”. Punky Brewster.
MOM
Hello… Punky? That’s a funny name. (To BILLY) Why are you wearing that? You’re inside. And it’s nighttime. Take it off. (BILLY takes off his sunglasses.) (To “PUNKY”) Is it too sunny for you too?
BILLY
Mom!
“Punky” takes off her sunglasses too.
“PUNKY”
It is okay. Your mother is right. I hope that you are enjoying your trip.
MOM
Oh, I am! We started in Fatima, then went to Lourdes and we’re going to the Vatican tomorrow. Why are you here?
BILLY
Uh… work. You know I have to travel for work.
MOM
But it’s so late to be working.
“PUNKY”
We are on New York time.
BILLY
Right! You know, busy busy busy.
MOM
Ay, susmariosep! You’re always working.
BILLY
Hmm, I wonder who I got that from?
MOM
I made that sacrifice for you. So now, it’s your turn. You know what I’m talking about.
BILLY
Not now, mom. Please? Where’s Auntie Rita and everyone else?
MOM
Asleep. We’re staying in the hotel across the street. I can’t sleep yet.
BILLY
I don’t think they serve warm milk here.
MOM
Why not? They don’t have cows in Italy?
“PUNKY”
Warm milk makes you sleepy?
MOM
Oh, yes. Him too. When he wouldn’t go to sleep when I told him to, how old were you?, Four, I think, I would give him some warm milk, and he would fall fast asleep. And sometimes, I would put some cough medicine with Codeine into his milk too. Tulog na siya!
BILLY
Wait. You drugged me?
MOM
You’re still alive.
“PUNKY”
4 milliliters of codeine would only make a four year old drowsy. You can also use a pinch of doxylamine succinate or diphenhydramine for the same effect with no taste or odor. Completely untraceable.
MOM
Okay. And then when he was Twelve, I think, you wanted to go to summer camp with all the other taba kids – he was really husky…
BILLY
You don’t have to tell that story, ma.
MOM
Yes, I do. I want to tell your friend about the sacrifices I made for you. Now where was I?
“PUNKY”
Summer camp.
MOM
Yes. I worked at his elementary school in the day and then I work at a nursing home at night so that he can go to that camp. And now look at you. You’re too skinny.
BILLY
That was the goal, ma. But that’s where I learned how to shoot too.
MOM
Ay nako! Why did they give taba kids guns? Is it so that you can shoot your own food?
BILLY
It was to develop a skill, ma. A skill.
MOM
What kind of skill has the word ‘kill’ in it? God would not like it. So, after that, I said, “No more guns.”
BILLY
Right, ma. “No more guns.” But I also promised you that when I’m older, I’d get a job so you don’t have to work three jobs anymore, and I get to pay for your trips… like this one.
So, no more stories, okay?
“PUNKY”
But, I like stories and I like your mother. How come you never told me about her?
MOM
Well, we have something in common, I’ve never heard anything about you either.
BILLY
(To “Punky”) Thanks, Punky. (To MOM) Mom, it’s just been really busy lately, and we’re just…
MOM
Again with the busy. Too busy to even see or call your mom. You know, I’m not going to live forever.
BILLY
I know mom, but…
MOM
What you mean, “you know?” You can’t wait until I’m dead.
BILLY
That’s not what I meant. I was just saying how busy work is, and… MOM
(To “Punky”) Are you too busy to see your mom?
“PUNKY”
She is dead.
MOM
Condolence. I’ll pray a rosary for her. You know, his daddy pass away too.
“PUNKY”
So, you raised him all by yourself?
MOM
Since he was 2 years old. I gave him everything he wanted and now I’m the one being ignored.
BILLY
I’m not ignoring you mom!
MOM
(Ignoring BILLY) How do you know my son?
“PUNKY”
I work with him. As a matter of fact, we were in middle of transaction.
MOM
(MOM sees the bag, pulls it towards her, and begins to unzip it.) Oh, is that what this is?
BILLY
(He stops her from looking inside.) Yes. But you can’t look. Important stuff.
MOM
More important than me?
BILLY
I didn’t say that.
MOM
More important that having a family?
BILLY
Again? Really?
MOM
Where’s my grandchild?
PUNKY
You have a child?
BILLY
No!
MOM
Hmm… and I wonder why not? Is it because you’re too busy? I don’t have anyone else, you’re always traveling. You don’t call… Unless… (Turns to “Punky”) you and Billy… are boyfriend girlfriend?
As Punky shakes her head “NO!”, BILLY pleads with his eyes and with his body language scream, “Say YES!”
“PUNKY”
Yes?
MOM
I knew it! A mother knows these things! You both look old. You better get married soon!
“PUNKY”
To MR. KILL KILL?
BILLY
(Loudly fake sneezes) SHUT UP!
MOM
Oh, you know his nickname?
“PUNKY”
Yes? But, how did you know it?
MOM
Because I gave it to him!
“PUNKY”
You did?!
BILLY
(Stands up) Well… I’m going to the bar and shoot myself in the face. Do you want anything?
MOM
One day, I come home from work and I see him in his room putting both of his hands underneath his armpits, and he’s really rubbing and rubbing. And then he puts his fingers to his nose and he starts to lumanghap [inhale].
PUNKY
Vdykhatʹ? [Inhale?]
MOM
Yes! Ay nako! I said “HOY! What are you doing?” And then he turned around with this face like (MOM makes a face of utter surprise and shock!)… and he has some of the hairs from his kilikili still stuck in his fingernails!
BILLY
This is not happening.
MOM
So from that point on, when we are alone, sometimes I call him Mr. Kilikili! And now that you know, you are like family now!
BILLY
Wow. Look at the time! Gotta go now.
BILLY gets up and starts to exit.
MOM
Hoy! (MOM grabs the bag.) You forgot your… (MOM looks inside the bag.) What’s this?
BILLY stops and turns around.
BILLY
Mom. It isn’t what it looks like.
MOM
Is this why you’re not married?
BILLY
I can explain.
MOM
Why I don’t have any grandkids?
BILLY
Mom. I didn’t know how to tell you about…
MOM
(Pulls out the headshot of a man from the bag.)
Him? What’s his name?!
BILLY
I… Uh…
“PUNKY”
Sergei Petrakova.
MOM
Was I talking to you?! (To BILLY) Why didn’t you tell me about you… and Sergei?
BILLY
Huh?
MOM
You think I’m stupid!? I know what’s going on here!
“PUNKY”
You do?
MOM
Of course! My son is a gay!
BILLY
I am?
MOM
And this Sergei… is his secret asawa!
BILLY
My husband?!
MOM
What else could it be? I want a grandchild and you can’t give one to me. Now, it makes sense why you’re avoiding me. You still should have told me! You know I watch Modern Family.
BILLY
What about the Church?
MOM
Anak, I believe that God doesn’t make mistakes. So, if God made you, then you aren’t one either. Billy, I want you to be happy with whoever will make you happy. Come here.
BILLY and MOM hug.
“PUNKY”
But there is one more thing that you do not know.
MOM
There is?
“PUNKY”
Billy and Sergei… they are going to adopt a baby in Belarus.
MOM
Really?
BILLY
We are?
“PUNKY”
Billy will be joining them soon. That is why I am here. To tell him that the agency we work with has found you a grandson.
MOM
Oh my God? Really? My prayers have been answered! Thank you, Lord! I can’t wait to tell everyone! (To BILLY) Let’s catch up in the morning before we leave.
BILLY
I can’t. I’m leaving tonight.
“PUNKY”
No. Enjoy tomorrow morning with your mother. You can leave in the afternoon.
MOM
Good. I finally get some time with you.
(MOM stands, as does BILLY.) Thank you, Punky Brewster. (To BILLY) I’ll see you soon. I love you.
MOM and BILLY hug goodbye.
BILLY
Love you too, mom.
MOM exits.
BILLY (CONT.)
Thanks for covering for me. She’d die if she knew what I really am. So, where are we gonna to get a kid?
“PUNKY”
That is the mission: Kill my husband, Sergei, (holds up 2 fingers) Twis [Twice], and bring my son to America. Your mother will raise him as her grandchild.
(Pause.)
I would do it but if I am seen there by any of his men, then I am dead and possibly my son as well. So it is imperative that no one knows who you are when you do the job… unless your mother will be making a surprise visit there too?
BILLY
Not funny. You know, he’s going to need his mother? You.
“PUNKY”
What he will need is someone who will love him as much as she loves you. We both live in a very dark world, Agent Kilikili, and he does not need to be a part of it. Even if it is not with me.
BILLY
That sounds very motherly of you.
“PUNKY”
Perhaps. But since I also know your real nickname, we are like family now. Di ba?
BILLY
Da.
Blackout.
END OF PLAY