The Family Fructuoso
A Non-traditional Filipino Family
Caught in a One-Act Comedy
by conrad a. panganiban
CAST OF CHARACTERS
Penny Fructuoso: Female. 17. Filipino American. High School Junior and hoping to go to Yale if she gets a scholarship.
Ricky Fructuoso: Male. Late 30s – early 40s. Filipino American. Rock musician. Penny’s father.
Stevie Fructuoso: Female. Late 30s – early 40s. Filipino American. Painter. Penny’s mother.
Ernie Fructuoso: Male. Mid-teens. Filipino American. Activist. Penny’s younger brother.
Julie Pasadilla: Female. Early 50s. Filipino American. Astrologist. Penny’s grandmother.
Florante Escobar: Scholarship Committee Board Member visiting the Fructuoso Family.
TIME
Present.
SETTING
The Fructuoso living room.
Scene 1
(Lights open on PENNY scribbling into her notebook with a book in front of her and a phone in her ear.)
PENNY
Did you figure out number 18 yet? What are some examples of functions of a real variable whose derivatives don’t have derivatives?
Ugh. What good are you then?
I’m sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Just hella stressing out, okay?
You know why. If I don’t an A on this final, then it’s over!
Not yet. It depends on the scholarship… if I get it.
I already told you why I can’t ask them, they’d totally freak out and I want to do this on my own.
(Enter RICKY, PENNY’s dad, dressed as a rocker, strumming his electric guitar and humming a melody.)
(PENNY is obviously annoyed with her dad’s actions.)
I’ll call you back. I can’t talk now. Bye.
(To RICKY) Dad, do you mind? (RICKY doesn’t here her and keeps continuing his groove.) Dad. Dad! RICKY!
RICKY
Oh. Hey Dude. How’s this sound?
I DROVE ALL NIGHT
TO GET TO YOU TODAY
AND THERE’S JUST ONE THING LEFT TO SAY…
LEAVE ME ALONE
LEAVE ME ALONE
(RICKY then begins to sing the 80s rock guitar solo.)
LEAVE ME ALONE!
What ya think?
PENNY
Not bad. Now can you leave me alone?
RICKY
Fricken A, it’s not bad! It rocks!
Enter STEVIE, Penny’s mom holding a paintbrush and a paint palette.
STEVIE
Ricky, can’t you see that Penny’s trying to study?
PENNY
Thanks, Stevie. Oh, did you order from Lai Wah yet?
STEVIE
No. Busy finishing the last painting for the gallery. Why?
PENNY
Can we order Pizza Hut instead? I don’t think I can have Chinese four days in a row.
STEVIE
Pizza for a favor from my darling daughter – does this color match your chair?
PENNY
I don’t have time to-
STEVIE
Move over a little bit. (STEVIE checks the color of Penny’s chair) Can’t tell. Move a little bit more. (STEVIE checks color) Nope. Move a scoach more.
(STEVIE pushes PENNY off the seat as STEVIE continues to color check.)
(Enter ERNIE, Penny’s younger brother reading from a book.)
ERNIE
“I die without seeing the dawn brighten over my native land. You who have it to see, welcome it — and forget not those who have fallen during the night!”
(ERNIE puts his head down and his fist in the air.)
Noli Me Tangere by Dr. Jose Rizal.
PENNY
Ernie, do you really have to read that out loud?
ERNIE
It’s Ernesto, Penelope. And yes I have to read this out loud for these words should never be silenced.
PENNY
Then can you unsilence your words in the other room? I’m trying to study here.
ERNIE
Fine. But heed my warning about the fascist American educational system which you are studying for.
PENNY
You don’t even know what fascist means.
ERNIE
Yes I do! It means… you’re not worthy of an answer.
RICKY
Dude, I just came up with the bridge:
LEAVE ME ALOOONE…
STEVIE
Penny? More red or mauve?
ERNIE
Why are you even trying to learn that stuff, Penny? The man’s always gonna keep you down because of the color of your skin!
(ERNIE raises his fist in the air.)
Brown!
PENNY
STOP IT! Stop it Stop it Stop it!!! (To RICKY) Your song sucks! (To Stevie) Your color sucks! (To ERNIE) You Suck! Why can’t I have a NORMAL FAMILY?!
(PENNY sings the chorus to Ricky’s song.)
LEAVE ME ALONE!
(PENNY grabs her stuff and exits.)
RICKY
Hear that? She totally dug my song!
(Enter JULIE, Penny’s grandmother wearing a fanny pack.)
JULIE
Tension. The 10th moon of Jupiter is lost below the translucent Equinox line. Need moon dust to clear the tension.
(JULIE reaches into her fanny pack and gets some glitter in her hand and blows it at family.)
STEVIE
I think Penny’s lost her patience with us, mom.
JULIE
Oh. I thought it was the stress of meeting the person from the Scholarship Committee.
RICKY
Dude? What scholarship?
JULIE
Someone is coming to interview us about her application and acceptance into a Yale College.
ERNIE
Yale University? Didn’t she listen to any of my speeches?
Do you know why they’re called an Ivy League School? It’s because they implant an Ivy plant in the students’ brains to constrict their thoughts and actions to keep them from thinking for themselves.
STEVIE
Why didn’t she tell us?
JULIE
I don’t know. I sent her a telepathic message after I got the call from him last week.
RICKY
When’s he supposed to be here?
JULIE
This afternoon.
STEVIE
This afternoon?!
RICKY
Well fams, when a Fructuoso needs something, we have to be there for her. And if Yale is what she wants then we have to help her out.
ERNIE
So what are you saying?
RICKY
If she wants a normal family, then that’s what she’s going to get. (To STEVIE) Dude, put the paints away. (To ERNIE) Dude, put your protest stuff away.
ERNIE
I protest that!
RICKY
(To JULIE) Dude, put your chakras away. We’re gonna be so flippin’ normal that we’re gonna be like Vanilla Ice Cream meeting the New Kids on the Block. Let’s go!
(ALL exit.)
END OF SCENE.
Scene 2
(Enter PENNY with FLORANTE, the head of the Scholarship Committee.)
PENNY
I’m so sorry, Mr. Escobar, for the misunderstanding. Thank you for texting me about your arrival.
FLORANTE
We find it an effective way to communicate with our candidates nowadays – using texts, FB messages or Twitter DMs.
PENNY
Unfortunately my parents won’t let me use Facebook or Twitter.
FLORANTE
Religious beliefs?
PENNY
No. Anti-Social Media beliefs.
FLORANTE
Well, that’s certainly a rarity in today’s families.
PENNY
Believe me, my family is rare to say the least.
FLORANTE
You wrote about that in your essay. But that’s why I’m here. To not only know more about you, but to also know your family. We were quite impressed with your application, Penelope.
PENNY
Penny, please. And thank you.
FLORANTE
Well, I can’t wait to meet them.
PENNY
Who?
FLORANTE
Your family.
PENNY
You do?
FLORANTE
Most Definitely. It’s important that we not only provide the scholarship to the right candidate, but that the education will also benefit their family.
PENNY
Oh. Right. That’s very important. Well, let me give them a call. (whispering) Family. We have a visitor. (back to normal voice) Well, looks like they’re not here. (PENNY starts to lead FLORANTE out the room) Maybe we can talk about the scholarship over some Snow Bubble Tea with Boba. It’s absolutely nommy. There’s a place not far from here and…
(As PENNY and FLORANTE make their way to exit, RICKY comes in, takes FLORANTE’s hand to shake it and leads him back into the room.)
RICKY
Ah, hello, Doood you find the house well? You must be from the Scholarship Committee that Penelope has told us so much about. My name is Ricardo. Her father.
FLORANTE
Florante Escobar. It’s a pleasure to meet you Ricardo. Penelope’s application said that you’re a musician.
RICKY
Oh. Yes. Yes, I am. I learned how to play the guitar at Julie’s yard.
FLORANTE
Excellent. A dear colleague teaches Classical Spanish Guitar at Julliard as well. Senor Francisco Balderama. Did you study with him?
RICKY
At Julie’s yard?
FLORANTE
Yes. Julliard. In New York.
RICKY
No. Julie’s yard in California. Penny’s grandmother’s named Julie and her husband played guitar and I learned from him in her yard.
PENNY
Haha, you’re so witty, Father… but grandpops learned from his friend who studied at Julliard so it was practically the same thing.
FLORANTE
I see.
(Smoke begins to fill the living room. Everyone begins to cough and wave their hands in front of their faces.)
(Enter STEVIE wearing an apron and extends her hand out to FLORANTE.)
STEVIE
Hello. I’m Stephanie, Penelope’s mother. Sorry about the smoke. We gave our chef the day off and I think I might have burned the adobo in the oven.
FLORANTE
Well, that’s original. Oven-baked adobo.
STEVIE
Yes. It’s my mother’s recipe.
(Enter JULIE wearing a handkerchief over her head with Mardi Gras beads moving in her hand like a rosary.)
JULIE
Oh. Hello. Who has God brought into our presence?
PENNY
Julie, this is…
JULIE
Julie? I don’t know any Julie here. I am your Lola. Is that any way to talk to your Lola?
PENNY
I don’t know, Jul… gramma… lola?
JULIE
Now come here so I can lay my hands upon you.
(PENNY goes to her, and JULIE takes her hand and pretending that she knows what a Mano Po gesture is, JULIE lightly pats it to PENNY’s forehead and then around her face.)
Ah, men.
PENNY
What’s the matter with you? Uh… Lola, this is Mr. Florante Escobar. He’s here to meet us. (To FLORANTE) Mr. Escobar, this is my gramma Julie. Lola?
(JULIE and FLORANTE extends hands to shake.)
FLORANTE
I have read a lot about you Lola Julie.
(JULIE turns over FLORANTE’s hand and studies it.)
JULIE
Oh, how interesting?
FLORANTE
What is?
JULIE
Your love and life lines. It says that you were born under the purple moon – meaning that your soulmate is a December baby.
FLORANTE
Right before Christmas. How did you know?
JULIE
The same way I know about your high cholesterol in your life line.
PENNY
Julie! Lola!
JULIE
Uh… because Jesus told me. Bless you.
STEVIE
What would you like for dinner, Florante? Perhaps Chinese? I know a good restaurant for take out.
PENNY
He can’t stay.
RICKY
Of course he can. Ernesto! Ernesto!
(Enter ERNIE.)
RICKY (CONTINUED)
Can you place an order with Lai Wah?
ERNIE
Yes Father. Hello Mother. Lola. Penelope. The regular order Father?
RICKY
Absolutely, Son.
ERNIE
Very well. Oh, hello, Sir. A pleasure to make your acquaintance. My name is Ernesto Bonifacio Rizal X Fructuoso, Penelope’s younger sibling.
FLORANTE
My my. It is indeed a pleasure to meet you Ernesto. My name is Florante Escobar. Aren’t you so well behaved?
ERNIE
Behaved?
FLORANTE
I mean, you have very nice manners.
ERNIE
Like I’m a trained animal?
FLORANTE
I don’t recall implying that you were…
ERNIE
Would you like it if I put on a top hat and prance around? Much like the Filipinos as part of the “living exhibits” section of the 1904 Saint Louis World’s Fair? Act like a trained circus monkey for your entertainment?
JULIE
Ooo… I like the circus.
RICKY
Would you like to hear a song? Penny’s great with lyrics.
STEVIE
And she’s got a great eye for color!
ERNIE
She doesn’t need the money of the one percent for the type of education that brainwashes and corrupts the American Youth!
PENNY
That’s it! I’m gonna kill you, Ernie!
(PENNY starts to chase ERNIE around the room.)
RICKY
LEAVE ME ALONE!
LEAVE ME ALONE!
(JULIE reaches into her fanny pack and takes out the glitter and blows it on FLORANTE.)
JULIE
Moon dust for high cholesterol.
(STEVIE tries to take JULIE’s glitter and fanny pack away and chases her around the room.)
FLORANTE
Excuse me? Excuse me. EXCUSE ME!
(Everyone stops in his or her tracks.)
Excuse me. I believe I should be leaving now. Miss Fructuoso, this visit has been… educational.
(FLORANTE gathers his belongings and begins to exit.)
RICKY
Dude. I mean. Florante. Mr. Escobar. Wait. Please stay.
STEVIE
Please, Mr. Escobar. If you give us another chance to prove to you…
RICKY
That we’re really a normal family…
JULIE
Who’d do anything for our dear Penny.
STEVIE
Isn’t that right, Ernie? Ernie?!
ERNIE
Yeah. I mean, yes. Please accept my apologies Mr. Escobar for my previous behavior. I promise to behave… like a monkey.
PENNY
No. You don’t have to apologize.
ERNIE
Well then, I take it back.
STEVIE
Ernie!
ERNIE
She said I didn’t have to!
PENNY
What I meant to say was, please don’t, all of you, don’t be sorry for who you are or aren’t. You don’t have to change for me or anyone else. (To FLORANTE) No offense.
FLORANTE
None taken. As a matter of fact, I was looking forward to meeting the real Ricky, Stevie, Julie, and Ernesto. You see, you’re all the reason why I personally wanted to make this visit. Penny’s spoke very highly of you in her essay.
RICKY
She did? Dude, right on!
STEVIE
Ricky.
RICKY
Dude. Sorry. Um… you may please continue.
FLORANTE
Yes. Where was I? Oh yes, her essay. I’m sure that you’re all pleased with what she had to say about you.
(FLORANTE takes out the essay from his bag.)
PENNY
No. No need. (To FAMILY.) You guys are all the bomb.com. Love ya! Peace!
FLORANTE
Don’t be so modest, Penny. You’re essay stood out from the piles we received.
JULIE
Did she say anything about me?
FLORANTE
Of course!
Are you saying that she hasn’t shared this with you?
(Everyone looks at Penny with a “What did you write about us?” stare.)
FLORANTE
Well then,
(FLORANTE clears his throat and proceeds to read the essay.)
Dear Scholarship Committee Board,
Thank you for taking the time to review my application, curriculum vitae, and essay. For as long as I can remember, I’ve always wanted to go to a school where I can finally have the opportunity to find my true self. Allow me to explain…
(FLORANTE hands the essay to PENNY.)
PENNY
My father’s name is Ricardo, but no one ever calls him that. It’s Ricky. He doesn’t even hear me when I call him dad. Just Ricky… or dude. He’s an amazing musician and songwriter.
My mom, Stephanie, or she’d have me call her Stevie, once told me, “Colors aren’t only the soul of the painting. They are also the reflection of soul of the artist.” She is an incredible painter.
Although younger than I and even if I barely see him because he’s off organizing something, my brother Ernesto has the fire and passion to change the world.
And lastly, there’s my Gramma Julie.
JULIE
Oh, that’s me.
PENNY
I might not understand what her floating chakras mean, but I definitely see the hope she sees in them, in the universe and in other people.
Individually we’re not exactly what you might call your normal Filipino family, we’re actually kinda crazy, or rather they drive me crazy, but together we’re a family. And I wouldn’t change them for anything.
Even though it’ll be hard to leave them, I’m empowered by a musician, an artist, a revolutionary, and a universal healer to help me find me at Yale University with your assistance in awarding me with the Young Rizal Scholarship.
With the highest of regards,
Penelope “Penny” Fructuoso
STEVIE
Honey. Why didn’t you tell us?
PENNY
I didn’t know how you’d take it if I told you that I wanted to move 3000 miles away.
RICKY
Well, that royally sucks.
PENNY
See?
RICKY
No, Dude. What I mean is that it sucks that you feel like you have to stay here for us. I know that we drive you bonkers now and again and again but that’s because you have the most sense in this family.
ERNIE
Can I have her room?
STEVIE
Ernie!
ERNIE
I’m kidding! Not really, but dad’s right, Penny. We’d be lost without you, but “if a family held back one of it’s own to never find the person they’re meant to be, then what kind of family would that make?”
PENNY
Did Jose Rizal say that too?
ERNIE
No. Me. Ernesto. I’m standing in front of you saying this. How did you get into Yale?
RICKY
(To FLORANTE) So, did we like totally screw it up for Penny, dude?
FLORANTE
Well, I have a meeting with our Board tomorrow, but… I think we can help to support a Yale student who is full of potential from a very unique family.
RICKY
You’re talking about Penny, right?
FLORANTE
Yes, Ricky. (To PENNY) Congratulations, Miss Fructuoso.
PENNY
Thank you, Mr. Escobar! I promise I won’t let you or the scholarship committee down.
FLORANTE
I know you won’t. Well, I better start on my report. You’ll hear from us at the end of the week.
PENNY
I’ll walk you out.
(FLORANTE and PENNY exit while everyone says, “thank you and goodbye.”)
(Re-enter PENNY.)
PENNY
I’m sorry, everyone. I should’ve told you about the scholarship.
STEVIE
Is this really what you want, Penny? Yale?
PENNY
Yeah.
(Silence.)
RICKY
Well, then I gotta get crackin’ on more songs for you to hear before you leave.
(Exit RICKY)
STEVIE
And I have more colors to mix for you to look at.
(Exit STEVIE)
ERNIE
And I need to figure out how to fit all my posters and banners into my new room.
(Exit ERNIE leaving PENNY and JULIE to look at each other.)
PENNY
Aren’t you leaving me too?
(JULIE goes to hug PENNY)
JULIE
I’d never leave you. I knew this would happen since the day you were born.
PENNY
What would?
(JULIE takes PENNY’s hand, opens up her palm to look at it, and traces a line on it.)
JULIE
What’s this line?
PENNY
The Destiny Line.
JULIE
Most people’s fork in two or three different directions. See. Yours continues in one long deep path. It means that you are destined for greatness, my dear, Penelope. Even if that path takes you 3000 miles away.
PENNY
Then what does the hook at the end of it mean?
JULIE
That you’ll return home to share your greatness with us… your family.
(JULIE and PENNY hug. Sounds of hammering are heard. And then a chainsaw.)
PENNY
Is that coming from my room? I’m gonna kill him! ERNIE!!!
(PENNY quickly exits. JULIE grabs some glitter from her fanny pack.)
JULIE
That’s my family.
(JULIE blows some glitter towards the audience.)
(Blackout.)
END OF PLAY