The Taco Belle of Fruitvale
by conrad a. panganiban
CAST OF CHARACTERS
FLORENCE: Female. The maker of Fruitvale’s Best Tacos.
TYRONE: Male. A mugger in possession of an impeccable palette.
Lights up on FLORENCE as she is holding a heating square bag used to keep food warm. In front of her is TYRONE, a mugger, with a “gun” inside his jacket pointing at Florence.
TYRONE
For the last time, hand it over!
FLORENCE
No way, Jose!
TYRONE
Is your money worth more than your life?
FLORENCE
Oh, you’re talking about the money? I thought you were talking about the tacos.
TYRONE
Hell, no! What am I gonna do with tacos?
FLORENCE
Eat them?
TYRONE
I know what to do with them.
FLORENCE
Then why’d you ask?
TYRONE
I’m just sayin’ that the money would buy me more than tacos!
FLORENCE
Hold up.
TYRONE
That’s what I’m doin’! I’m holdin’ you up!
FLORENCE
Excuse me.
TYRONE
What?
FLORENCE
Excuse…. Me!
TYRONE
I ain’t got no time for this lady.
FLORENCE
Lady?
TYRONE
All right. Bitch!
FLORENCE
Oh, hell no! Don’t you know who I am?
TYRONE
I just called you a bitch, Bitch!
FLORENCE
You never heard of the Taco Belle?
TYRONE
I ain’t hungry, and I call that place Taco Smell!
FLORENCE
That’s why I’m called the Taco Belle.
TYRONE
Is that supposed to mean something to me?
FLORENCE
What?
FLORENCE begins to go into convulsions over the fact that someone doesn’t know who she is!
FLORENCE
You’ve never heard of…
The Taco Belle of Fruitvale?!
FLORENCE goes into shock again!
TYRONE
Are you all right, lady?
FLORENCE
The Taco Belle of Fruitvale!
TYRONE
There ain’t no taco bells here. But there’s a Wendy’s right up the street!
FLORENCE
I told you that I’m The Taco Belle!
FLORENCE reaches into her bag causing TYRONE to lift up his coat pocket higher pointing at her.
TYRONE
What are you doing?!
FLORENCE pulls out a white bag containing a taco.
FLORENCE
Here!
TYRONE
…
FLORENCE
Take it!
TYRONE takes the bag.
FLORENCE
Eat!
TYRONE takes a bite. And then another. He then pulls out his hand from his pocket which obviously was his “gun,” and devours the last bite.
TYRONE
Oh my God. What was that?
FLORENCE
A taco, stupid!
TYRONE
Was that a hint of Cayenne and Worcester sauce with a pinch of A1… no, Masterpiece bar-b-que sauce marinated into the Lechon?
FLORENCE
Who told you that?
TYRONE
And is that Calamansi juice instead of lime?
FLORENCE
WHO TOLD YOU THAT!?!
TYRONE
Nobody told me lady! It’s in the food that you practically shoved down my throat!
FLORENCE
It’s a taco!
TYRONE
I ain’t stupid! I know it’s a taco!
FLORENCE takes out a knife from her bag.
FLORENCE
Then who told you my secret recipe?
TYRONE
Whoa whoa whoa! Put that down!
FLORENCE
Who told you?
(FLORENCE points the knife down at his groin!)
Or I swear that the last thing you’ll be stuffing down your throat is your… TYRONE
Whoa!
FLORENCE chases TYRONE around the stage while she constantly yells…
FLORENCE
Who told you?!
Get back here!
Was it Mrs. Lopez? She was always jealous of me!
Stop running around!
TYRONE
Nobody told me!
FLORENCE
Impossible!
TYRONE
I could taste it!
FLORENCE
Calamansi doesn’t even grow here in Oakland!
TYRONE
My grandmother has tons of ‘em in the bushes in our back yard!
FLORENCE
Then how did you know about the Bar-b-Que Sauce?
TYRONE
Masterpiece is my favorite! I put that shit on everything!
FLORENCE gets tired out and puts down the knife and places her hands on her knees.
FLORENCE
Stop running around.
TYRONE
Then stop chasing me!
FLORENCE
You could really taste all of that?
TYRONE
You added too much Rosemary, but it’s good the way it is.
FLORENCE
If I could take one step towards you, I’d cut your tongue out just for saying that!
It was the perfect amount of Rosemary.
TYRONE
This time of year, the Rosemary increases the flavor palette. It’s science.
FLORENCE
What are you? Some kind of scientist?
TYRONE
No! I’m just particular about my food.
FLORENCE
You’re the first person who guessed what was in my tacos.
TYRONE
I didn’t have to guess.
FLORENCE
It was a lucky guess.
TYRONE
Whatever. Now give me all your money!
FLORENCE
Wait a minute.
TYRONE
I’ve already spent five minutes running away from you with that knife!
FLORENCE
How would you like to make some money?
TYRONE
That’s what I’m tryin’ to do.
FLORENCE
Legally, stupid!
TYRONE
Don’t call me stupid!
FLORENCE
Or you’ll shoot me with you finger?
TYRONE
I know kung fu and this finger is a deadly weapon.
FLORENCE
Use your tongue.
TYRONE
Uh… that’s kinda nasty.
FLORENCE
I meant that you can make money by using your tongue. And your kung fu hands if you know how to use a knife.
TYRONE
I ain’t got time for your riddles.
FLORENCE
You are stupid. I was talking about working for me as a cook.
TYRONE
Why would I want to cook, when I could steal?
FLORENCE
Trying to rob people with a finger’s gonna get you killed. Making tacos will keep you alive… and full.
TYRONE
Why should I?
FLORENCE
Because you have a gift.
I’ve been trying to hand my business down to my daughter, but she can’t cook worth beans. She can’t even tell the difference between Lechon and Carnitas.
TYRONE
Actually it was Lechon Kawali.
FLORENCE
It’s like looking at 50 percent savant, 50 percent idiot.
TYRONE
I don’t have to take this. Keep your money and your stupid tacos.
TYRONE starts to walk away.
FLORENCE
I made $250,000 in sales last year alone.
TYRONE stops and turns around.
FLORENCE
$75,000 the year before and 20 grand the year before that. Taco Belle has an exponential growth rate and I’m offering the chance to make more money then you can shake a roasted pig at.
TYRONE
Two-hundred and fifty G’s? This neighborhood alone isn’t worth Two-hundred and fifty G’s.
FLORENCE
Restaurants all over the Bay have been wanting my recipe, so I’ve been selling different ones to the highest bidder. I’m out here selling my tacos because I like feeding my people. My Oakland People.
TYRONE
So what do you need me to do?
FLORENCE
How long have you been cooking?
TYRONE
Spent a year at the Culinary Academy…
FLORENCE
(Fakes a sneeze.)
FOOLS!
TYRONE
Before I had to drop out cuz it cost too much.
FLORENCE
But everything you made was the best in all of your classes.
TYRONE
How did you…?
FLORENCE
I stopped learning everything from them too so I started my own business and became…
TYRONE
The Taco Belle of Fruitvale.
FLORENCE
I need new recipes while trying to keep this gig going. Everyone knows who I am and because my food makes them happy, nobody, and I mean no body, bothers me… or anyone who works for me.
TYRONE
Why don’t you open up a food truck or something?
FLORENCE
Nah. Too hipster. I’m about the people on the street. Like you.
If anyone can decipher my secret recipe, then that person has the talent to help put this company over the million mark and this sister needs to finally go on a long European Vacation!
So what do you say?
TYRONE
Have you ever considered pickling cabbage with habanero sauce for a garnish?
FLORENCE
A Mexican style kim-chee?
TYRONE
When do I start?
Fade to Black.
END OF PLAY