Boys Don’t Bake Cake
A Short Comedy
by conrad a. panganiban
CAST OF CHARACTERS
Madison Hipolito Gaspar: Early 20s. Female. Freshly college graduate. Over achiever.
Lauryn Gaspar: Early 20s. Female. Kacey’s younger sister. Madison’s cousin. A girly girl who likes romance and pretty things.
Kacey Gaspar: Early 20s. Female. Lauryn’s older sister. Madison’s cousin. The tomboy with a dark fascination of cutting people with forks.
Justin Basa: Early 20s. Male. Madison’s BFF.
SETTING
Late afternoon in Madison’s apartment dining room.
Lights up revealing the apartment dining room of MADISON GASPAR. A “Congratulations” banner hangs on the back wall. A table with 3 chairs is on stage.
ENTER MADISON wearing her graduation gown, a lei and reading a text on her phone, LAURYN wearing a dress accessorizing with something pink, and KACEY in a leather jacket and jeans. They enter carrying flowers and gift bags.
KACEY
Didn’t seeing that sign make you feel like a celebrity?
LAURYN
Yeah! It was like your name was on The Wheel of Fortune, Madison!
KACEY
Serious. How many letters are in CONGRATULATIONS MADISON HIPOLITO GASPAR, YOU ROCK exclamation point, exclamation point, exclamation point?
MADISON
I told you in the car, Kacey. The sign was… nice.
You can put those over there.
LAURYN
Nice? That’s like (as she says each letter she counts with her fingers) C-O-N-G-R… A?
A lot of letters and a lot of poster boards in my favorite color!
MADISON
I barely noticed, Lauryn.
LAURYN
How could you have not? Hot pink humongous cards with gold letters.
KACEY
Gold. Shiney. Letters.
LAURYN
Not just shiny. Glittery! Your name is teaching aliens on Mars how to read! You’re so lucky to have a guy like that!
MADISON
A guy who’s just a friend.
KACEY
I thought your friend was coming by.
MADISON looks at a text message on her phone.
MADISON
He had to pick up something first.
LAURYN
I was wondering, what kind of friend could convince all those strangers to hold up each of those cards for you?
MADISON
A good friend.
KACEY
A good friend with benefits?
MADISON
Guys! Stop it!
LAURYN
Madison, it’s just… it’s just that we see this really cool person who is so obviously in love with you and you don’t even…. We want you to be happy.
MADISON
I am happy. I’m ecstatic! I finished school in 3 years and I’m finally heading out into the real world.
KACEY
Alone.
MADISON
Independent.
LAURYN
Wouldn’t you want Justin out there with you?
MADISON
Have you been talking to my mom? I know how much she likes him.
KACEY
No. But she did say something to our mom, and you know how sisters are.
MADISON
(Looking at both of them) Yeah. They’re always meddling.
Door knocks are heard. MADISON gets up and heads to the door.
LAURYN
(to MADISON) Meddling out of love. (to KACEY) Right?
KACEY
(said like, “Duhhh…”) Yeahhh…
Enter MADISON with a bouquet of flowers with JUSTIN right behind her carrying a cake box.
MADISON
These smell so fresh.
JUSTIN
Fresh from the campus garden.
MADISON
Dummy. You could’ve gotten caught again.
JUSTIN
Then it would’ve been worth it… again.
LAURYN
Aweee…
KACEY
Awww…
MADISON
Shhh… you remember my cousins. Lauryn. Kacey.
JUSTIN
Yeah, of course. Oh, and these are for you.
While holding the cake box with one hand, JUSTIN picks a couple of flowers from Madison’s bouquet and gives one to KACEY and LAURYN. He holds the flower for a beat longer for Lauryn to take.
LAURYN & KACEY
Thank you.
LAURYN
Loved the sign!
JUSTIN
(To Lauryn)
Thanks. I hope you liked the color of the poster boards.
LAURYN
It’s my favorite.
KACEY
Must’ve taken you forever to make.
JUSTIN
Just a couple of weeks. Had to sneak it in between finals. Plus I had to make sure she never knew about it. Did you?
MADISON
Total surprise. Thank you.
JUSTIN
And that’s not all.
JUSTIN holds out the cake box.
JUSTIN
Open it.
As MADISON opens the box, LAURYN and KACEY gather around to see what’s inside.
KACEY
Uh. Woah.
LAURYN
That’s a lot of letters.
JUSTIN
I’m getting better at piping.
LAURYN
You? This?
JUSTIN
Red Velvet with whipped Butter cream frosting…
MADISON
Between the layers?
JUSTIN
…with a hint of Rum. It’s her favorite.
LAURYN
Cake?
JUSTIN
Rum. (To MADISON hesitantly) You didn’t notice the missing bottle, did you?
MADISON
Dork! I was saving that for a special occasion!
JUSTIN
And you’re wearing that because it’s Arbor Day? You’re still having it for your special day… just revisioned in cakey format. So, let me get this box out of here so you can enjoy the inside of it.
JUSTIN puts the box on the table and works the cake out.
With JUSTIN’s back turned to them, LAURYN and KACEY motion to MADISON that “HE’S SO IN LOVE WITH YOU!”
MADISON
(Shout whispers at her cousins.) Shut up!
JUSTIN
(Turning around.)
Ladies enjoy. There’s clean plates and forks in the dishwasher cuz this one doesn’t know how to use it. Maddy, fresh towels in el baño?
MADISON
Just put them in there this morning.
JUSTIN
Cool. We can leave when you’re ready. If you’ll please excuse me.
JUSTIN exits. KACEY dips her finger in the frosting and takes a lick.
LAURYN
Kacey!
KACEY
Just making sure that he didn’t poison you.
And… Oh my God! Nope. He did not.
KACEY dips her finger back into the frosting.
LAURYN
That’s disgusting.
KACEY is clearly expressing her LOVE of the frosting. Curious with a tinge of jealousy, LAURYN goes over and swipes her finger across the frosting and takes her own lick.
LAURYN
Oh my Gahhh! I’d kill to have a boyfriend who can bake something this good! My tongue is doing body rolls. So good.
MADISON
Then you can body roll into the kitchen and get some forks.
LAURYN
Fine. But I marked my piece.
LAURYN body rolls out of the scene into the kitchen.
KACEY
(To MADISON) If you don’t take him, I will.
MADISON
I told you, we’re just… buddies.
KACEY
Buddies? Are you both like in a bowling league or something? Wow! Way to get that strike! (KACEY puts her hand up in the air) Up high, Buddy!
MADISON
Not funny.
KACEY
It’s no joke that he likes you.
LAURYN re-enters with forks in hand and sits at table with KACEY. BOTH take turns eating the cake through this scene.
LAURYN
Kacey’s right. Woman, he baked you a cake. Not a Twinkie. Not a Ho-ho. Or that other thing…
KACEY
Suzie-Q.
LAURYN
Thank you, Ate. Not a Suzie-Q. A Cake!
KACEY
And boys don’t bake cake!
LAURYN
Nope. Might make you some chicken adobo… or spaghetti… shoot, I’ll even take a man who can cook me some decent rice. But a cake?
KACEY
And boys don’t bake cake, unless…
LAURYN
Unless, he’s totally in love with you.
KACEY
So in love.
MADISON
No.
LAURYN
Yup.
MADISON
He can’t be.
LAURYN
Why not?
MADISON
Because he’s…
KACEY
Seeing someone?
MADISON
No, but…
KACEY
Then he has a boyfriend.
MADISON
No! I said he’s not seeing anyone.
KACEY
Then what’s stopping you?
LAURYN
Seriously, Madison. Why can’t you see how much that guy in the bathroom, that guy who publicly professed his love for you in so many letters, and that man who baked you a cake! for goodness sake, is so head over heels for you?
MADISON
I don’t want to lose him as a friend, okay?!
KACEY
The next time you say friends, I’m gonna cut you.
MADISON
What I’m saying is that Justin is the best thing to happen to me and I don’t want to lose that, and you know what I’m talking about.
KACEY
But Kris never baked me a cake.
MADISON
Then when was the last time you talked to her since you broke up? And you two were friends way longer me and Justin. Plus, I know he doesn’t like me in that way.
LAURYN
How do you know?
MADISON
Because he won’t stop talking about another girl in that way.
(Pause.)
KACEY
Want me to take care of her? I know some people.
MADISON
You don’t know her.
LAURYN
But he baked you a cake!
MADISON
So?
KACEY
So? That’s a pretty big deal. A really big deal.
MADISON
What do you know?
KACEY
I know plenty. We know that a guy wouldn’t go through all this trouble for just anyone.
And this isn’t about you being alone or you being independent, Hell, I’m the independent one, but trust me, if there was someone out there who cared about me half as much as Justin cares about you, then I’d consider myself the luckiest person in the world. But the more you ignore him, or the longer you just think of him as just a friend, there’s gonna be a time when he’s not gonna want to be that either.
Madison, he DID this for you. Actions speak louder than words. So, stop this game he’s playing because you can have your cake and eat it too.
Enter JUSTIN. As JUSTIN says his lines below, MADISON begins to walk over to him.
JUSTIN
I fixed your bathroom lock again. Just remember to jiggle it when you …
MADISON is about to give JUSTIN a kiss when he stops her.
JUSTIN
Whoa whoa whoa. Wha… what are you doing?
MADISON
I… Uh… I just thought…
JUSTIN
What made you think that…?
MADISON
You baked me a cake.
JUSTIN
And boys aren’t allowed to bake cakes for their best friend’s graduation?
MADISON
Well?
JUSTIN
Whatever gave you the idea that…
MADISON looks over at LAURYN and KACEY.
BOTH look down at the cake.
LAURYN
Whipped Butter cream frosting. Yummy.
KACEY
So moist.
MADISON
Fine. It’s just… I’m scared okay? All this time, I’ve just been so focused on school where I didn’t see… and now school’s done and I have to face the real world… alone. And then, and then you bring over that cake… and flowers, and that… that sign where people on Mars could see my name and learn how to read… and then I wigged out because…
JUSTIN
Because?
MADISON
Because I knew that you weren’t doing this for me.
JUSTIN
What you’re talking about?
MADISON
The hot pink sign. The cake!
JUSTIN
Hello? Martians know who you are because of that sign! And that frosting says your name.
MADISON
You’re going to leave me for her aren’t you?
JUSTIN
Who are you talking about?
MADISON
You know who!
JUSTIN
No I don’t! And we’re not even together to be left. Remember, you’re the one who told me that we were just buddies.
MADISON
I don’t even know how to bowl!
KACEY holds up her fork pointing at JUSTIN.
KACEY
Do you want me to cut him?
JUSTIN
What?! No! No cutting allowed.
LAURYN
Then stop playing my cousin by baking cakes and then telling her that you’re in love with someone else.
JUSTIN
(To MADISON) You weren’t supposed to tell her. (To LAURYN) Lauryn, I was going to tell you, but…
KACEY
What? Who?
MADISON
Justin, I didn’t say it was her.
You did.
(Pause.)
Not knowing what to do, KACEY turns her fork down and pierces the cake and takes a bite.
KACEY
Mmmm… so moist.
JUSTIN
(To LAURYN) Lauryn, I think… I think you’re a fascinating person. I wouldn’t say exactly love just yet, but I’d really like the chance to get to know you better without first asking your cousin what’s your favorite color or that you have an affinity for whipped butter cream frosting. It’s just that when I see you, I… I can’t stop thinking about you… and… (To MADISON) And you… despite your obsession with overanalyzing everything, you still accomplished something great and I’m so hella proud of you. You couldn’t get rid of me if you tried Madison Hipolito Gaspar. Exclamation point. Exclamation point. Exclamation point.
MADISON and JUSTIN hug.
MADISON
I’m sorry.
JUSTIN
Real love is never having to say you’re sorry, or some other stupid saying like that.
Capiche?
MADISON
Capiche.
JUSTIN
So, are you ready to go?
MADISON
Shoot, Greg’s graduation party, right? I forgot. My cousins are here and we’re…
JUSTIN
Well, you’re invited to come too.
LAURYN
Umm…
MADISON
Their flight got in late and we were up all night catching up, so… next time? Sorry.
JUSTIN
Remember what I said about having to say sorry. So no worries. I’ll tell Greg you’re celebrating with family.
But, we’re still on for brunch tomorrow?
MADISON
Actually, why don’t you ask Lauryn? Since they’re leaving tomorrow night and…
LAURYN
I’d love to.
JUSTIN
(To LAURYN) Great. Well, I’ll pick you up tomorrow morning, (To MADISON) and we’re on for next week then?
MADISON
Like every week.
JUSTIN
Well, I better get going. I’ll tell everyone that you’re with family. (To LAURYN) I’ll see you tomorrow. Thanks for not cutting me, Kacey.
KACEY
Just this time. Later.
LAURYN
Bye. Thanks for the cake.
JUSTIN
Glad you liked it.
MADISON
I’ll walk you to the door.
MADISON and JUSTIN exit. MADISON re-enters.
LAURYN holds up a fork. MADISON takes the fork, sits between her cousins, and click their forks together to say “cheers”.
[As MADISON takes a little bit of the cake, KACEY and LAURYN just watch her while KACEY brushes the hair out of MADISON’s eyes and LAURYN strokes her back.]
Lights fade.
END OF PLAY