Being Careful
by conrad a. panganiban
CAST OF CHARACTERS
STEPHEN: Late 30s. Male. Single. Techie.
MELISSA: Late 30s. Female. Single. Receptionist.
STEPHEN is banging on the door while MELISSA is sitting at a table pouring some wine into a glass.
STEPHEN
Let us out! Hey! Hey!!! Is anyone out there?! I hear you! Come back here! Hey!
MELISSA
(Bored.)
yeah. come back here.
STEPHEN
Hey! Yeah you. Could you put the glass down and help out a little?
MELISSA
help
STEPHEN
For the love of God! I have to PEE!!! I’m about to explode! Mom! Dad!
STEPHEN takes out his cellphone and dials.
C’mon. Pick up pick up pick up!
Urgh… Uh. Hi. You know that you left your son in the basement and he’d like to get out to use the bathroom. Can you please open the door so he doesn’t die from a burst kidney?
Thank you! Oh, and it’s Stephen. Your son? Bye.
MELISSA grabs a bucket from the corner of the room and walks it over to Stephen and slams it on the ground.
STEPHEN
You’re not serious?
MELISSA
It’s gonna be a long night.
STEPHEN
What are you talking about?
MELISSA
You don’t know who I am, do you?
STEPHEN
I’m hoping you’re the one with a key for this door!
MELISSA
I woulda opened the door already if I had, genius.
STEPHEN
Fine. You’re Melissa Bautista. Uncle and Auntie’s daughter. Now, can you open the door?
MELISSA
Is that all that you’ve heard about me?
STEPHEN
You’re a maternity nurse working at St. Lukes. You like Star Wars and you’ve had grand adventures all over the world.
MELISSA
Grand adventures?
STEPHEN
That’s what your mom told my mom to tell me.
MELISSA
Sorry to burst your bubble, but the furthest I’ve ever traveled to is Reno. And I work as the receptionist at Manila Smiles Dental Clinic in Hayward.
Do you really own your own tech company in La Jolla?
STEPHEN
I’m a web designer for a startup in National City. Where’d you hear that?
MELISSA
Parents.
STEPHEN
Parents.
MELISSA
So, if you’re just figuring all this out–this is a set up.
STEPHEN
I knew it!
MELISSA
(mocking Stephen from earlier) Sure you did. “I have to PEEEEE!!! Mommy! Daddy!!!” STEPHEN
Well, I did!
MELISSA
The bucket’s still there.
STEPHEN
No thanks. I can hold it. And I can’t go when someone’s looking at me.
MELISSA turns around.
STEPHEN (CONT.)
Still can’t. You’ll hear it. And I’m a loud pee-er.
MELISSA
Whatever.
STEPHEN
So, their plan is to lock us up down here until we fall in love and get married?
MELISSA
The get married part is an affirmative. The love part is optional.
STEPHEN
Okay. Well, um, so, um, Hmm.
How do you like working as a receptionist?
MELISSA
Are you serious?
STEPHEN
If the only way I get to pee is for us to get hitched, then we gotta start knowing more about each other. So, how long have you been working there?
MELISSA
We’re not getting married.
STEPHEN
Of course we’re not getting married! Who would even think that two complete strangers would meet their soul mates by being locked in a room by each of their parents?
And the more I think about it, it’s pretty twisted… or we’re just… pathetic.
MELISSA
Hey! Speak for yourself! I’m not pathetic. You don’t even know me.
STEPHEN
Well, I know that I could never work in a dentist’s office. What you do… it’s admirable work.
MELISSA
I answer phones and make appointments.
STEPHEN
Appointments to save people’s teeth. Admirable.
Silence.
MELISSA
How’s the bladder holding up?
STEPHEN
Still there.
How are we getting out of here?
MELISSA
We wait.
STEPHEN
For how long?
MELISSA
Until your mom and dad want to leave.
Right now, they are lounging upstairs eating what should have been a family meal while watching TFC.
STEPHEN
Be Careful with my Heart.
MELISSA
I don’t plan on doing anything with your heart, Bucko.
STEPHEN
For the record, my name is Stephen, not Bucko, and Be Careful with my Heart is the title of the Teleserye that they’re watching upstairs. At 8:20 every weeknight is Be Careful with my Heart. It’s the story about Maya dela Rosa, her older sister, Cristina Rose, and Cristina’s son and they are introduced as tour guides for their hometown, San Nicolas, with their mother running a souvenir shop.
MELISSA
That’s nice, but / I didn’t
STEPHEN
But with / the lack
MELISSA
I didn’t ask…
STEPHEN
… of money for their daily expenses and household repairs, Maya and Cristina are having a hard time reaching their dreams to / become
MELISSA
I don’t care about the TV Show!
STEPHEN
A Flight Stewardess and a Cruise Director!
MELISSA
I don’t care!
STEPHEN
Just sayin’ that it’s pretty good show.
MELISSA
So you like those shows?
STEPHEN
You don’t?
MELISSA
Not when all they do is cry.
STEPHEN
They’re not all like that. Besides, watching them helps me with my Tagalog skills.
MELISSA
You speak?
STEPHEN
Kaunti lang.
MELISSA
That means ‘a little bit,’ right?
STEPHEN
Yeah.
MELISSA
Cool.
STEPHEN
Cool.
So. Um. I guess after they’ll eventually come down and let us out, right?
MELISSA
Usually.
STEPHEN
Usually? How many times has this happened to you?
MELISSA
Fifth… no sixth time since I turned 37.
STEPHEN
How long ago was that?
MELISSA
Last month.
STEPHEN
Sixth time in a month?!
MELISSA
Yeah, well. Time is a tickin’ I guess.
They haven’t done this to you yet? You look like you’re pushin’, what, 43?
STEPHEN
38! Class of ‘96 in the house!
MELISSA
Wow. In the house!?
STEPHEN
Just sayin’.
MELISSA
At least you don’t live with your parents.
STEPHEN
I moved all the way down the state to get away from them. At least the only pressure I get from them is over the phone.
MELISSA
Lucky. All I get is “when are you getting married and what kind of a job is cleaning other people’s teeth?”
STEPHEN
Admirable.
MELISSA
But I don’t even do that. I just call people to let them know when they’re supposed to get their teeth cleaned. But I’m saving up.
STEPHEN
For what?
MELISSA
I can’t stay here forever. Hawaii. That’s far enough away.
STEPHEN
I lived on the Big Island for a time.
MELISSA
Really?
STEPHEN
I worked to set up a computer network for a private school there and some other tech jobs for a couple of hotels in Hilo right by the beach.
MELISSA
Sounds like the life.
STEPHEN
It was for a while. But then I started missing things like real milk, grocery shopping, even traffic!
MELISSA
Have you ever parked on 880 during “rush” hour?
STEPHEN
San Diego is the perfect blend of sun and city.
MELISSA
Hmm. I gotta add that to my list of places to live.
STEPHEN
It’d be my top choice and I am looking for a roommate.
MELISSA
You are?
STEPHEN
Yeah, my… um… ex left so I told my parents that I was thinking of converting my extra…
MELISSA
When did you tell them?
STEPHEN
Tell them what?
MELISSA
That your ex broke up with you.
STEPHEN
I broke up with her!
MELISSA
Sure you did. When did you tell them?
STEPHEN
Last week.
MELISSA
Hmph.
That’s when my mom started asking again if I was dating someone.
STEPHEN
That’s convenient…
MELISSA
And then my dad asked me how long it takes to drive to San Diego…
Those two scheming… they actually increased their geometric scope to include all of California when they kneeew I couldn’t be set up with anyone in the Bay Area!
STEPHEN
Wow.
MELISSA
Well, we’ll show them.
STEPHEN
We?
MELISSA
First thing we have to do when we break outta here is to delete our Facebook accounts.
STEPHEN
What?
MELISSA
Actually all social media outlets: Twitter, Pinterest, Snapchat, Instagram… oh, Instagram.
STEPHEN
I can’t just / delete
MELISSA
That means we have to get rid of everything that could lead… MELISSA grabs Stephen’s smartphone, throws it on the ground and stomps on it.
STEPHEN
Hey!
MELISSA
We’re going off the grid!
STEPHEN
That was my phone!
MELISSA
We have to become ninjas. Our parents must never find us!
STEPHEN
But I use my phone!
MELISSA
Ninjas don’t need phones.
STEPHEN
But web designers do! And I also need my Facebook and Twitter and G plus–
MELISSA
Who uses G Plus? Look. When we go dark, they can’t find us. And when they can’t find us, they can’t tell us what to do, or force us to get married, or trap their daughter with a total weirdo in the basement!
STEPHEN
Weirdo?
MELISSA
No offense.
STEPHEN
Offense taken. And I can’t help anyone who breaks my stuff!
MELISSA
But when we get outta here and you go on to keep leading your honky dorky life in San Diego, I’ll be still here. Trapped with another guy.
STEPHEN
Or girl? Ever heard of being polyamorous?
MELISSA
Polyamorous? Hm. Or girl… or until they barter me off to some rich guy waiting for their grandkid to pop out of me like it was a pop tart. But until then… I’m going to be trapped.
In this basement.
Forever.
MELISSA breaks down and starts crying… LOUDLY.
STEPHEN goes to comfort her… barely.
STEPHEN
There there. There… wait up. You… you broke my phone!
MELISSA
But that was when we were going to become Ninjas.
STEPHEN
Pictures of my computer set up were on that phone.
MELISSA
Pictures of your computer?
Uh… Okay. Sorry. I went a little overboard. I’m really sorry about your phone.
STEPHEN
I got insurance so… at least the photos are synced to the cloud. So, it’s okay. Not really, but…
MELISSA
And sorry for having crazy parents.
STEPHEN
Hey, my parents were co-conspirators too. I can’t believe they locked me down here.
MELISSA
With a crazy woman.
STEPHEN
You’re actually the best part of being here.
MELISSA
…
STEPHEN
Did you know that, per capita, San Diego has the biggest ratio of people to dentists in America?
MELISSA
I didn’t know that.
STEPHEN
Which means that dentists down there are always looking for good people to hire.
MELISSA
Really?
STEPHEN
And my dentist’s office is in Pacific Beach.
MELISSA
I did notice that you had a nice smile. I mean… from your dentist’s work on your… teeth.
STEPHEN
You too.
So, I still have an open room. And it seems like you want a new start.
MELISSA
A new start, yes. A new husband, nooo!
STEPHEN
Did I say I needed a wife? I’m my own man! Except when I need mom to teach me a new recipe.
But I do need a roommate.
MELISSA
And a new friend?
STEPHEN
Always.
The sound of a door unlocking is heard BOTH look at the door.
MELISSA
Looks like you’re free to go. Maybe you can catch the end of your Teleserye.
STEPHEN
I already watched tonight’s episode—online.
MELISSA
Be Careful with my Heart?
STEPHEN
Always.
Lights fade out.
END OF PLAY