Gophers in the Mission
by Conrad A. Panganiban
Lights up on a NANDO wearing an apron and talking on the phone inside the La Victoria Panderia.
NANDO
Yup. Yup.
What’d I tell you, bro?
Easy as pie!
So, are you usin’ da Kellogs or the Miracle-Gro?
Heck yeah! I told you Miracle-Gro is da bomb!
That Kellogs stuff is hella wack. But that Miracle-Gro… Yup.
Yup.
So what you got growin’?
Uh huh.
Uh huh.
Told ya, Bay Area weather’s perfect for tomatoes and eggplants and uh huh and what?
No! Pull that stuff out. They take too long to grow. Hold on Hola, La Victoria Panderia estoy Fernando.
Que? Cerramos a las nueve. A las nueve. Si. See ya!
Chuy? Yo. What? Nah. I ain’t leavin’ this place. After 10 years, I don’t know how to do anything else! Yeah, ha ha.
But check it: I’m pretty sure Mr. Rodriguez would hand me the keys to this joint when he retires.
For reals though, he ain’t never gonna retire. But when he does… Hold up Hola La Victoria Panderia. Estoy Fernando aqui.
Hola Señora Garcia. We close at 9 tonight, Señora. 9. Nine. A las nueve!
(sighs)
Okay, Señora. I’ll wait for you until 9:15. 9:15 okay? Okay. Buenos noches, Señora. See ya.
Chuy? Yo.
But back to the carrots.
Yeah, bro Pull that ish out. You know that it takes 120 to 150 days before those crops mature, right?
Yes. Yes it takes that long.
Well, the internet is lying. It does take that long to grow, dude.
Uh huh. Mmmm…
Okay. Okay. I… You what?!
You found WHAT?!
WHERE?! Near the tomatoes? AH SHOOT!
NO WAY! Yo Hold on.
Hola. La Victoria Panderia.
Que!? What?
No Sorry, we’ve sold out of the Squash Pumpkin cake with Brown Butter Frosting Cream Cheese.
Yes. Tomorrow. We’ll have a new batch Yes.
From 6 a.m. to 9 p.m.
Gracias. See ya!
Chuy? Yo.
Where were we? Oh, yeah, Yo You gotta take care of that ish, dude!
Go Rambo on them!
Humane? They ain’t even human to go humane on.
Let me put it to ya this way: if you had burglers bust into your crib, right, you’d blast ‘em right? Damn, skippy you would. Same thing with the creatures growin’ under your garden cuz they’re jackin’ your hard grown tomatoes and eggplants.
Jackin’ your kids food. Them’s are grounds for execution my friend.
Hold on.
Hola, La Victoria Panderia. Es Fernando aqui.
Quien?
Lo siento. Señor Rodriguez no esta aqui. Mañana. Si. Mañana.
See ya.
Chuy? Yo.
Traps?! Traps! Traps ain’t gonna do nothin’, bro!
Here’s what you do: take your fricken’ fricken’ water hose, right?
Take it and stuff it into one of them holes.
Doesn’t matter Two Three feet at least and then crank it up full blast!
Enter CLAIRE.
Yo, hold up.
Hi. How can I help you?
CLAIRE
Oh, um. Everything looks so good. Can you give me a sec?
NANDO
Sure. Take your time. I’ll be right here if you need me.
CLAIRE looks around the bakery.
NANDO
Chuy? Yo.
What? Then buy a damn hose!
What? Oh, I borrowed your hose? When?
Oh yeah. Um… well…
You still got the fireworks in your garage, right?
NANDO (CONT.)
Well, take out the red and white striped ones. Yeah, the M80s. About 4 or 5 of them.
Now get some of them stringy things and tie them to the end of ‘em.
Light ‘em up Toss ‘em in and Boom-cracka-lacka. No more gophers.
WHAT? Humane? Dude, you’re not even gonna see the suckers. No clean up except that you have to cover up the holes with dirt or it’ll start smellin’ after a while.
CLAIRE goes to the counter.
CLAIRE
Excuse me.
NANDO
Trust me. That’s the best way, yo!
CLAIRE
(Clearing her throat.)
Mmm mmm mmm. Excuse me.
NANDO finally notices Claire.
NANDO
I’m sorry. One second.
Yo. I’ll hit you up in a bit. Yup. M80s bro. Late.
Sorry, my friend’s got pest issues in his new garden and I was How can I help you?
CLAIRE
What kind of pests?
NANDO
Gophers.
CLAIRE
Wicked devils.
NANDO
So annoying.
CLAIRE
Absolutely.
NANDO
Totally.
CLAIRE
Totally totally.
NANDO
Yup. So, um, what caught your attention?
CLAIRE
The M80s.
NANDO
Oh. Yeah. Sorry you had to hear that.
CLAIRE
No. It’s absolutely understandable. My husband and I have a garden in our backyard as well and we had the same issue with gophers.
NANDO
For reals?
CLAIRE
Oh, yes.
NANDO
It’s so wrong. I mean, you spend so much money–
CLAIRE
So much–
NANDO
to buy a house–
CLAIRE
in the Bay Area–
NANDO
with a backyard–
NANDO
With a backyard!
CLAIRE
And all you want is a garden–
NANDO
To grow organic–
CLAIRE
Tomatoes–
NANDO
Eggplants–
CLAIRE
To have a real garden–
NANDO
Without outsiders wrecking it!
CLAIRE
On my property.
NANDO
On your own FUCKING PROPERTY!
Pause.
NANDO
Um…
CLAIRE
I hate those fuckers.
NANDO
Right. Me too. So, how’d you get rid of ‘em?
CLAIRE
Chicken wire.
NANDO
Ahhh… but isn’t that a lot of work? You know, laying it out underneath the soil so they wouldn’t pop through?
CLAIRE
It was a pain to lay it out, but we didn’t have to bury it.
We electrified it.
NANDO
Woah.
CLAIRE
Hooked it up to a car battery, which provided just enough voltage to give them a shock.
Not enough to kill them, mind you, a good shock. And after a week of that, they knew not to come back.
NANDO
Hm. Humane.
CLAIRE
I guess you could say that.
NANDO
I’m sorry, what can I help you with again?
CLAIRE
Actually, I was wondering if Mr. Rodriguez was in today.
NANDO
Sorry, you just missed him. But I can give him a message for you.
CLAIRE
Maybe it’s best if I come back when he’s here.
NANDO
Was he expecting you?
CLAIRE
Not exactly. I just… I just wanted to know when the lease of this place expires.
NANDO
The Panderia?
CLAIRE
My husband just closed the deal at the old Discoteca Store up the block–
NANDO
What?
CLAIRE
Simple Brew-tiful… or Perk Up. Some of the names we’re thinking of for that place.
Organic coffee. It’s the rage in Marin.
NANDO
But this is the Mission.
CLAIRE
And I’m between Torn Hem and Mad Grab for this place.
NANDO
For a bakery?
CLAIRE
Oh, heavens no. I burn everything I cook. It’s for the boutique.
NANDO
Here?
CLAIRE
It’s going to be amazing.
NANDO
This place isn’t for sale.
CLAIRE
I’m… oh. Well. Maybe the ad in the paper was wrong.
NANDO
Ad?
CLAIRE
Doesn’t matter. Can you please tell Mr. Rodriguez that Claire DuMont stopped by? He’s met my husband, Jules last week. Thank you for your time.
CLAIRE begins to exit.
NANDO
But this place isn’t…
CLAIRE
Remember: chicken wire.
CLAIRE exits.
END OF SCENE