SETTING
A and B are squished in a telephone booth.
A
So, do you come here often?
B
Are you seriously trying to pick up on me now?
A
No. Maybe.
B slams her palm against the phone booth window.
B
Help! Is anybody out there?!
A
Everything is so much louder in here.
B
(making it obvious to shout in A’s ear)
HELP! IS ANYBODY ELSE OUT THERE!?
A
Will you stop shouting!
B
If you didn’t lock us in here then I wouldn’t have to shout!
A
Then you shouldn’t have run in here.
B
That’s because I was trying to get away from you!
A
I thought you wanted to play a game.
B
We have college degrees. We don’t play games anymore.
A
Then why did you even go on ProfessorMatchmaker.com?
B
To hopefully find someone I liked.
A
Hopefully?
B
Oh, and I’m still hoping!
A
You said in your profile that you were looking for someone who could bring out the childlike quality in you.
B
But I wasn’t asking to be set up with a child? “Ooo let’s see if this phone booth locks from the inside. LOL.” You actually said the letters. L. O. L.
A
What did you expect me to say, “Lol”?
B
I expected you to not say, “Ooo let’s see if this phone booth locks from the inside.”
A
L.O.L.
B slams her palm against the side window again.
B
HELP! IS ANYBODY ELSE OUT THERE!?
A
Gotta give it up to the engineer who designed this thing–it’s pretty sound proof.
B
That’s STILL not the right thing to say.
A
Then help me out here.
B
You can help by staying silent.
A
If that’s what you want-
B
That’s exactly what I want-
A
Done.
B
I can still hear you.
A
…
They stand in silence.
B
Do you have to breathe so loud?
A
OH C’MON! How can you think that I breathe loud when you didn’t even take a breath when you ordered your your your “quad long shot grande in a venti cup half calf double cupped no sleeve salted caramel mocha latte with 2 pumps of vanilla substitute 2 pumps of white chocolate mocha for mocha and substitute 2 pumps of hazelnut for toffee nut half whole milk and half breve with no whipped cream extra hot extra foam extra caramel drizzle extra salt add a scoop of vanilla bean powder with light ice well stirred-” And then you had the gall to say, “oh by the way, I have a free reward.”
B
That was blended. Not well stirred.
A
I give up.
B
You memorized my order.
A
Only because I’ve never heard a crazy person order something from Starbucks before.
B
I’m impressed.
A
Well, crazy people fascinate me.
B
So you find me fascinating.
A
Only, in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not fascinating kind of way.
B
So, do you come here often?
BLACKOUT.
END OF PLAY