ZOT. They/them/theirs. A space alien.
YEBIN. They/them/theirs. A space alien.
MARGARET. He/him/his. A security guard for the yet to be open tallest building in San Francisco.
Enter ZOT and YEBIN, two space aliens, as they enter the front lobby of the yet to be open Salesforce Tower.
MARGARET is manning the front security desk.
ZOT and YEBIN are looking up.
ZOT
Ooooo…
YEBIN
Take a photograph.
ZOT blinks an eye.
ZOT
Marvelous.
MARGARET
Excuse me, how did you get in here?
YEBIN
Through that open portal.
MARGARET
Well, you’re not supposed to be in here. Please leave.
ZOT
Take us to your leader.
MARGARET
My Manager?
YEBIN
If that is the person who built this Penis.
MARGARET
Excuse me?
ZOT
The owner of this Penis. We’d like to see that human.
MARGARET
What are you talking about, Penis?
ZOT
This Penis.
YEBIN
The Penis we are standing in.
MARGARET
This isn’t a penis. This is called the Salesforce Tower.
ZOT
Salesforce Tower.
YEBIN
Tower.
ZOT
Of Salesforce.
YEBIN
Is that like your Space Force.
MARGARET
No not like the space force, which is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard of, but Saleforce is a company.
ZOT
Does this Salesforce make more Penises like this?
MARGARET
Again this isn’t a penis, but yes, Salesforce makes other buildings like this. Look outside that window. That’s a Salesforce building there. Outside that window there, is another Salesforce building. And they’re making another Salesforce Tower a couple of more blocks down that way.
YEBIN
Ah. Your Salesforce really likes to have Penises erected in this area.
ZOT
Big Penises indeed.
MARGARET
It’s a growing company.
YEBIN
That seems to be the function of a penis. It grows.
MARGARET
Okay. Well… you still can’t be here.
ZOT
Take us to your Penis Leader.
MARGARET
Again, this is a tower.
YEBIN
But it is so erect.
MARGARET
Yes, it’s tall.
ZOT
The biggest penis in your area.
MARGARET
Yes, in San Francisco, it’s the biggest penis- building so far. Yes.
YEBIN
Why is this penis so big?
MARGARET
It’s because we have a lot of employees.
ZOT
And all of your employees fill this Penis.
MARGARET
When we open, yes. This building will be filled with Salesforce employees.
YEBIN
Like sperm.
MARGARET
Not sperm. Employees.
ZOT
But they will fill this Penis.
MARGARET
This building. Not this penis.
ZOT
Ahhhh…
YEBIN
Ahhhhhh…
ZOT
Ahhh.
MARGARET
Why do you keep calling this building a penis?
YEBIN
From where we came from, we’ve gradually studied how this penis become more and more erect from it’s base, over it’s shaft and to the tip in a span of 2,348 days. It’s quite impressive.
ZOT
That it is indeed. Our radar immediately picked up on its glistening walls and its rotund girth which gradually closes in as the external urethral orifice came to form.
MARGARET
The external ureth… urethral
ZOT
The hole at the tip of the penis.
MARGARET
Ah. Got it.
YEBIN
It’s Very impressive.
ZOT
Indeed.
YEBIN
So that’s why we need to speak to your leader.
MARGARET
To see the penis hole?
ZOT
We can already see that from space.
YEBIN
Actually, we can see the entire penis from space.
MARGARET
I imagine you can. Then I guess, you’d like to see our leader so that you can learn how to erect a penis like this from where you came from?
ZOT
Oh no.
YEBIN
Definitely no indeed.
ZOT
We’ve come to eliminate that person.
MARGARET
Excuse me?
ZOT
Eliminate
YEBIN
Kill
ZOT
Murder
YEBIN
Execute
ZOT
Zap!
YEBIN
Assassinate!
ZOT
OBLITERATE
YEBIN
OFF
ZOT
ERASE!!
YEBIN
ANNIHILATE!!!
ZOT and YEBIN
CRUCIFY!!!!!!
Silence.
MARGARET
So, you want to kill my boss?
YEBIN
From where we come from, in your human measure of millenia, we have experienced that there is a direct correlation between the deterioration
ZOT
Destruction
YEBIN
Slaughter
ZOT
Massacre!!
YEBIN
ERADICATION!!!
ZOT
SUFFOCATION!!!!
ZOT and YEBIN
EXTINCTION!!!!!!!
YEBIN
Of a community’s culture,
ZOT
Peace,
YEBIN
Environment
ZOT
and Life in general
YEBIN
Will cease to exist when one being’s ego, desire, and greed feels the need to construct anything that can be seen from outer space…
MARGARET
Like a Penis.
ZOT and YEBIN
Exactly.
Pause.
MARGARET
One second…
MARGARET picks up a phone a dials.
MARGARET
(Speaking into the phone)
When is (beep) scheduled to take a tour of the new building?
…
Thank you.
MARGARET hangs up the phone.
MARGARET
Do you have any plans for next Tuesday and 2pm?
ZOT and YEBIN look at each other and smile.
BLACKOUT
END OF PLAY