So, I’ve been thinking a lot about this playwriting career I’ve been on. Actually, can I still call it a career? Is it a career if I don’t make this a full-time job where I’m supporting myself financially by WRITING? Going by that definition, I’m not. I am thankful for being able to have another skill I can use to be able to pay a mortgage, subscribe to multiple streaming channels, and support my addiction to Creama Teas (see Happy Lemon), but does that make me happy? And probably on a deeper level, it begs the question, “Does making enough money to not worry about making money AND be ‘happy’ define a career?” Isn’t the definition of hobby basically doing something you love but not getting paid for it? Is this opening paragraph going only going to be a series of existential artist questions?
Let’s start off this new paragraph with a statement shall we: I am Happy. It’s actually pretty ironic that I lead off with that because that’s the crux of why I even started going to therapy: Why can’t I be happy with myself? Luckily, I am getting better at this! The opening paragraph would be that much of an indication, but I’ve stopped questioning myself about a lot of things. So, I guess, that’s one goal: to be more authentic.
I’ve long admired and have been inspired by work that feel authentic. Maybe that’s why I feel like I’ve been so fake. I’m always hiding behind what I feel or want to say. One example of this is my job. I love my doing my job and I’m even more in love with most of the people I work with as business partners. But the part that kills me, is that I’m not passionate about it. I’ve been in the fortunate position of being able to interview people who do what I do (my day job is a Front-End Web Developer) and as a person who constantly studies writing and acting, I can tell when a person is authentic. One of those times is when a person talks about something they are passionate about. There’s a “twinkle” in their eyes. It’s when the brain stops talking and the heart begins to speak the indelible truth. I experienced this a few weeks ago when a dear friend asked me about my writing process. During those work interviews, these candidates had that same spirit while talking about different coding experiences they had. Though I believe I’m pretty good at my job, and revel when things I code WORK!, I unfortunately share that passion. The passion where a person’s spirit dives into a world without seconds, minutes or hours in order to find a solution to a burning question whether it be how to make a .jsp webpage be able to scrape an .html page or why immigrant citizens love 45 (which I still need to write about). I’m pretty sure I’ll tackle the question of day job vs. artistic career in another post soon!
KPI (Key Performance Indicators). Keeping the general goal of learning one new thing everyday, One thing I learned in 2018 was the importance of KPIs. In order to keep track of how you are doing to is to set these specific data-driven goals and work to reach them. For instance, I’ll set a goal of submitting 100 plays in 2020. I don’t think I’ve ever sent out more than 20 plays in a year. But having a KPI of 100 plays would be amazing even though I get 100 rejections! Or what about writing 20 short plays or 3 full lengths or 1 musical or 4 spec scripts, etc. What’s important is to have a NUMBER assigned to that goal. Sadly, in 2019, I kept no stats. I think in 2017 or ’16, I set up Google Sheet of all of my submissions. I’m pretty sure that I only got 4-5 months in before I stopped tracking. But this is a good way to keep track of this data point. I bought a 2020 calendar from The Dramatist Guild so hoping this will keep me on point! I haven’t set a number yet of how many submissions this year, but I got a couple of days to decide!
I’m putting this out there… and I can’t believe I am, but I’m going to apply for the writers pool of Playground SF. I don’t remember if I’ve ever talked about it here, but after applying (and getting rejected) to get into their writer’s pool really took a number on my self-esteem. Being rejected from their writer’s pool really felt like I was, or will ever be, good enough to be a playwright. There are so many people I respect and admire who were and are a part of this group and I had the notion that if I wasn’t good enough to be a part of them, then why am I even spending my time trying to be one. Being in that group not only defined me as a playwright, but as a person. Getting rejected TWICE left a wound so deep, it absolutely left a scar. LUCKILY (or stupidly), I kept writing and have had at least one play be produced every year since 2011. Fuck. I had to seriously look that up. 9 years of having people take the time to read, memorize, direct and act out my stories is pretty fucking dope. Hmph. I guess I didn’t need to be a part of a pool to KNOW that I am a playwright. That said, being a part of that group of writers will provide me the discipline and structure to write, learn, and network on a more consistent basis. Actually, all of those would make great goals! Alright, I’m going to apply again especially knowing that I ALREADY have plays that will be produced in 2020!!!
Quick aside: after writing the above paragraph, I tweeted this (@consplayspace):
Wrote a blog post about being rejected from @playgroundsf for their writer’s pool twice and how much that made me question my worth as a playwright and as a person. Rejections hurt. Especially when it’s based on your art. And then I looked at my resume: I’ve had at least one play produced EVERY YEAR since 2011 with two more committed for 2020. It took a while to FINALLY realize that I do know what I’m doing and that I AM a playwright! I meant this post not to throw any shade to that org because I truly respect and admire the amazing playwrights and their programs! Actually, some of my friends and supporters are in that pool! In the current, I’m quite proud that I didn’t give up and I couldn’t if I tried. Lol. Rejections are a part of this artist life. I’m so glad and pretty proud of myself for sticking with it to realize this fact. Keep working. I look forward to applying again later this year!
https://twitter.com/consplayspace/status/1210335149243559936
LOL. I’m kinda interested if any of my followers will comment on it. As I previously wrote in this post, this year I want to be more authentic which means that I need to be more truthful. I’ve always skirted around the truth, or made allusions to it, so not to offend or stir shit up… but doing that has absolutely kept me from being authentic! I don’t want my plays to be that way. Not to say, I can’t have my characters be that way, but that’d be used as a device to reflect back at the truth. Oh shit, I just realized that I’m indeed learning as a writer. Now the practice what I preach.
I think I’m going to leave this post right here for now. I intended to have a LIST of specific goals for 2020, but per usual I go off on another tangent which usually leads to me (re)thinking a new title which is… see title.