Image by nextvoyage from Pixabay
CAST OF CHARACTERS
STEPHEN GARCIA: Mid 40s. Male. Single. The Over-Analytical-High-Strung Techie.
MELISSA DE LOS REYES: Early 40s. Female. Single. The Frustrated-with-her-Nagging-Parents Dental Receptionist.
PLACE
Inside the basement of Melissa’s home which she still lives in with her parents.
TIME
The present.
PLAYWRIGHT’S NOTES
The “/” suggests an overlap of dialogue where the next line begins to be said.
Sounds of a door locking and some laughter fill the air as lights up in the basement of the De Los Reyes Northern California Home.
STEPHEN is banging on a door while MELISSA is sitting at a table pouring some wine into a glass.
STEPHEN
Let us out! Hey! Hey!!! I can hear you laughing out there! Hey! Come back here!
MELISSA
(knowing the routine)
yeah. come back here.
STEPHEN
(To Melissa)
Hey, Melissa, right? Could you put the glass down for one second and help out a little?
MELISSA
help
STEPHEN
(STEPHEN takes out his cellphone and dials.)
C’mon. Pick up pick up pick up!
Urgh… Uh. Hi. You know that room that you told me was the bathroom? Well, it turned out to be the basement of your friend’s house… and the door is locked… because I SAW YOU LOCK IT! So, can you please unlock the door because this ISN’T THE BATHROOM and I STILL NEED TO PEE! Thank you!
(STEPHEN starts to put his phone away and stops to…)
Oh. This is Stephen! Your son?! Bye.
MELISSA grabs a bucket from the corner of the room and walks it over to Stephen and slams it on the ground.
MELISSA
Don’t miss.
STEPHEN
I don’t have to go that bad. Hey, why aren’t you freaking out too? Didn’t you see both our parents lock us in here?
MELISSA
You don’t know who I am, do you?
STEPHEN
Duh, we were just introduced upstairs. You’re name is Melissa and your dad was my dad’s best friend in the Navy.
MELISSA
What else did they tell you, Stevie?
STEPHEN
I prefer Stephen, but my mom said that you work as an Oncology Nurse at St. Luke’s here in San Francisco. You have this weird obsession with eating Turkey Wraps.
And your favorite traveling destinations are Kuala Lumpur and Reykjavík, Iceland.
MELISSA
First of all, I can’t even spell Rye-ko-vick, Stephen!
I work as a receptionist at the Golden Gate Dental Clinic.
And I’ll take a California Burrito over a Turkey Wrap ANY day of the week!
STEPHEN
Whoever thought of putting fries in a burrito should win the Nobel Prize.
MELISSA
Right?!
So, do you really own a tech company in La Jolla?
STEPHEN
I’m a web designer for a startup in National City. Where’d you hear that?
MELISSA
Parents.
STEPHEN
Ohhh… Parents! I knew that this was a set-up! They planned to lock us down here until we fell in love and got married, didn’t they?!
MELISSA
The married part is a definite yes. The love part… meh.
STEPHEN
Oh. Okay. Well, so, um, do you come here often?
MELISSA
Are you kidding me?
STEPHEN
If proposing to you means they let us out and I get to pee then I’ll only be kidding THEM!
MELISSA
We are not getting married!
STEPHEN
I don’t want to get married! I just want to pee. Besides, I have a bum knee so, I couldn’t even–
MELISSA
Don’t you dare get down on one knee!
STEPHEN
I couldn’t if I tried!
What possessed them to even think they can turn two complete strangers into soulmates by locking them in a basement? Do we look that pathetic?
MELISSA
Hey! Speak for yourself! You don’t even know me!
STEPHEN
You’re right. I don’t know you. But I know that I could never work in a dentist’s office, because that’s…
MELISSA
Pathetic?
STEPHEN
I never said that!
MELISSA
You might as well have. And I’m just the receptionist! I couldn’t tell you the difference between a bicuspid and a bicycle.
STEPHEN
Well, a bicycle is-
MELISSA
I know what a bicycle is, I was just… Who am I kidding? All do there is answer phones and make appointments.
I am-
STEPHEN
No. Don’t even say it! If I didn’t have someone like you to make appointments, then I’d have no teeth! So, you’re not that p word, okay? Your job is… admirable.
MELISSA
Admirable. I can roll with that.
STEPHEN
Like a bicycle.
How long do you think they’ll keep us locked in here cuz I have my own appointment to watch my favorite show?
MELISSA
Right now, they’re most likely watching The Soap Opera Channel waiting for us to fall in love.
STEPHEN
Be Careful with my Heart.
MELISSA
I wasn’t on planning on doing anything with your heart!
STEPHEN
No, I meant Be Careful with my Heart is the title of the Soap Opera that they’re watching upstairs. Every night at 8:20 is Be Careful with my Heart. It’s the story of Maya dela Rosa, the daughter of a media tycoon, and Jimmy Riviera, a drag queen who performs as 80s pop star, Debbie Gibson.
MELISSA
I prefer Tiffany, but / I didn’t
STEPHEN
When they first / lock eyes-
MELISSA
I didn’t ask…
STEPHEN
-in a seedy Cabaret called the Purr Purr / Kitty Kitty-
MELISSA
I’m so allergic to cats-
STEPHEN
They instantly fall in love!
MELISSA
He performs as Debbie Gibson?
STEPHEN
The show’s full of Electric Youth.
MELISSA
Wow.
STEPHEN
And I’m MISSING IT! I’ve never missed an episode.
MELISSA
For what it’s worth, they usually unlock the door when the show ends.
STEPHEN
Usually? How many times does this usually happen?
MELISSA
Fifth… no sixth time since I turned 42.
STEPHEN
When was that?
MELISSA
Last month.
STEPHEN
Last month!?! Your parents locked you in here with a stranger six times in a month?!
MELISSA
This only daughter’s fertility clock is a’tickin’ and her desperate-to-be-grandparents nagging is driving me nuts! I can’t wait to move away from here… and from them!
STEPHEN
To where? Reykjavík?
MELISSA
Ha. Ha. Somewhere warmer–Hawaii.
STEPHEN
I used to live on Oahu.
MELISSA
Seriously?!
STEPHEN
I designed the websites for a couple of hotels in Waikiki.
MELISSA
I’ve always wanted to live by the beach. That’s sounds amazing!
STEPHEN
What’s less amazing is the traffic, tourists are everywhere, the cost of living is insane, and the closest thing you’ll ever come to a California Burrito will be in your dreams.
MELISSA
That’s my spirit food.
STEPHEN
I couldn’t wait to move back to Cali and San Diego is the perfect blend of Sun, City and Burritos.
MELISSA
Sounds like I should add it to my escape list.
STEPHEN
It is America’s Favorite City for a reason… and I am looking for a roommate.
MELISSA
You are?
STEPHEN
Yeah. When my ex moved out, I told my parents that I was thinking of converting / my extra room–
MELISSA
When did your ex break up with you?
STEPHEN
Hey! I broke up with her!
MELISSA
Sure you did. When did you tell them?
STEPHEN
Last week.
MELISSA
Shut! Up! That’s when my mom asked if I was seeing anyone? She should know, she’s always asking me why my Facebook Relationship Status is stuck on Single! And then, the other day my dad asked me how long was the drive to San Diego!
Those two scheming… they actually increased their geometric scope of finding me a husband to include ALL of California when they knew I couldn’t be set up with anyone here in the Bay Area!
Well, we’ll show them.
STEPHEN
We?
MELISSA
First thing we have to do when we break outta here is to delete our Facebook accounts.
STEPHEN
What?
MELISSA
Actually all social media outlets: Twitter, Instagram, TikTok-
STEPHEN
I can’t just / delete
MELISSA
We have to get rid of everything that could lead-
MELISSA grabs Stephen’s smartphone, throws it on the ground and stomps on it.
STEPHEN
Hey!
MELISSA
We’re going off the grid!
STEPHEN
That was my phone!
MELISSA
We have to become Ninjas. Our parents must never find us! And our days of being nagged to death will end… FOREVER!!!
STEPHEN
My phone!
MELISSA
When we go dark, they can’t find us. And when they can’t find us, they can’t tell us what to do, or force us to get married, or trap their daughter with a total weirdo in the basement!
STEPHEN
I’m the weirdo? I’m not the one who wants to be a Ninja and break other people’s stuff! And I’m not the one who’s still going to be trapped here way after that door opens!
MELISSA
Fine! Go on and live your honky dorky life in the 619, while I get bartered off to some random dude for a packet of smokes waiting for their grandkid to pop out of me like big ‘ol zit! But until then…
You’re right… I’ll be the weirdo…
Trapped.
In this basement.
Forever.
MELISSA breaks down and starts crying… LOUDLY. STEPHEN goes to comfort her… barely.
STEPHEN
There there. There… hold up. You… you broke my phone!
MELISSA
But that was when we were going to become Ninjas.
STEPHEN
Pictures of my computer set up were on that phone.
MELISSA
Oh, Stephen… that’s so sad.
STEPHEN
At least the photos are synced to the cloud, which is… yeah. Sad.
MELISSA
I’m sorry about your phone. And I’m sorry for having crazy parents.
STEPHEN
Well, the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree. But hey, my parents were co-conspirators too, so… I can’t believe they locked me down here.
MELISSA
With a crazy woman.
STEPHEN
Actually, you’re the best part of being here.
MELISSA and STEPHEN share a shy moment.
STEPHEN
Did you know that San Diego has fallen behind on the ratio of people to dentists in America? Which means that more dentists will be moving there. Which means that they’ll be looking for more people to hire.
MELISSA
Is that so?
STEPHEN
And it just so happens that I live near my dentist’s office in Ocean Beach.
MELISSA
I’ve always wanted to live by the beach.
STEPHEN
I noticed you saying that earlier.
MELISSA
And I noticed that you had a nice smile.
I mean… from your dentist’s work… on your teeth.
STEPHEN
Your dentist isn’t too shabby either.
I still have an open room and if you’re still looking for a new start?
MELISSA
A new start, yes.
A new husband, nooo!
STEPHEN
Did I say I needed a wife? I still have a bum knee so I couldn’t even…
(tries to bend down on one knee)
Ow! Yeah, not gonna happen. But I do need a roommate.
MELISSA
And a new friend?
The sound of a door unlocking is heard. BOTH look at the door.
MELISSA
Looks like you’re free to go.
STEPHEN
Would you be interested in checking out that Soap Opera we missed while we were locked in here?
MELISSA
Be Careful with my Heart?
STEPHEN
Always.
STEPHEN holds out his hand while waiting for MELISSA to take it. She does and they exit.
END OF PLAY