Image by David Mark from Pixabay
The Ruby Reds
A Wicked 10-Minute Noir Play (First Draft)
by Conrad A. Panganiban
CAST OF CHARACTERS
Elphie: The green activist who happens to be a witch in black
Dot: The do-gooder caught in the wrong place in the wrong time
Monks: Elphie’s henchman who happens to be a flying monkey
SETTING
1946 on a dark and stormy night inside a room in a tower of Elphie’s castle.
Rain is heard and the clap of thunder fills the air as the moon’s light reveals an orange glow from the end of ELPHIE’s cigarette. She’s a dark trench coat wearing activist with green skin puffing out a cloud of smoke as she sits on the window ledge from her castle.
A flame is sparked in the same room as MONKS, Elphie’s henchman who happens to be a monkey with wings, is hopping around the room as it gathers some straw to pile on the fire. Just above the fire is some crackling meat as it turns on a spit.
As the fire gets bigger, we begin to see a tied-up figure slumped in chair that’s wearing Ruby Red Slippers. It’s DOT, the stupid do-gooder caught in the wrong place in the wrong time.
ELPHIE
Oh, Nessie. It’s so close. I can feel it.
I wished that you were here to do this with me.
But alas, I see ya in the moon’s punked eye winkin’ at me
sayin’ ta bring this world to it’s knees to honor us…
The Thropp Sisters.
I promise to make ’em all pay for what they did to ya…
After we get those off her feet.
Monks! Who say karma geek carón!
MONK picks up a bucket and throws the water inside it at DOT.
ELPHIE
HEY! WAKE THE FUCK UP!
DOT
What the fuck?!
Where am I?
ELPHIE
Definitely not in Kansas anymore.
DOT
You!
I thought you died!
I killed you! I saw you melt!
ELPHIE
Stupid shit. All you did was get me a little wet. And you’re not even hot enough to do that.
DOT
Not hot enough? Oh, your ugly ass is gonna light up like a candle and dance like it’s 1949 for saying that.
EPHIE
And who’s gonna be stupid enough help you with that?
DOT
The Scarecrow is! Scarecrow?!
MONKS picks up some straw and pours some over Dot’s head before throwing some into the fire.
EPHIE
Only thing he’s helpin’ is that fire. What about someone with a heart?
DOT
That’s right!
Tin-Man?! Tin-Man, where are you?
MONKS picks up a tin funnel that used to be on the Tin-Man’s head and uses the end of it to blow onto the fire. The flame leaps.
EPHIE
Puff puff into that scrap metal’s noggin’s hat! Ha!
And finally, who’s brave enough to come to your rescue now?
DOT
What did you do to Lion?!
MONKS picks up the only part of the Lion that’s left, it’s tail, and smacks Dot with it.
DOT
Toto? TOTO?!
No. NO! NOT TOTOOOO!
MONKS dances around the meat on top of the flame.
ELPHIE
And your little dog too!
ELPHIE lets out her infamous cackling laugh!
DOT
You bitch! When I get out of here, I promise that your skin’s gonna be flying like a kite while your intestines burn in the pits of hell.
ELPHIE
Fancy talk from a broad that’s breathin’ her last breath.
DOT
Then why am I still breathin’ the same stinky air you’re inhalin’?
ELPHIE
Cuz you’s holdin’ in the only secret that’s keeping you on this side of alive.
Spill it Sugar, what’s the spell?
DOT
Find your own dictionary.
ELPHIE goes near Dot’s feet.
ELPHIE
Is it Home is where the heart is?
Home is where you hang your hat.
Motley Crew’s Home Sweet Home!
What the fuck is it?
DOT
You’re spinning riddles that only a shit-throwing stupid ass monkey would understand.
MONKS starts to jump around and howl before taking a shit in its hand and throws it at Dot.
DOT
No offense.
ELPHIE
Seems like Monks there doesn’t accept.
So, what is it? The spell to take off the Ruby Reds?
DOT
Oh, these? ‘Fraid they ain’t your style unless you wanna look like a walking Christmas tree.
ELPHIE
I saw her whisper into your good ear the chant.
DOT
My good ear?
MONKS goes and smacks the side of Dot’s head.
DOT
Motherfucker!
ELPHIE
The Good Bitch from the North didn’t see that comin’, huh?
Nice work, Monks.
Now the clog in your side hole has opened up, what did she tell you?
DOT
I’d have my skin sliced from pages in an encyclopedia and take a shower in lemon juice before telling you what she told me.
ELPHIE
So she did tell you?
Looks like we’re in line for a quid pro quo?
Your spell for one of mine’s that will send you home.
That is why you and your dead friends came here in the first place, isn’t it?
DOT
Trust is the name of a two way street and your skin is telling me to Go in the other direction.
ELPHIE
Seems like the racist tendencies of the Bitch from the North has rubbed up against your ignorant ass.
DOT
Glinda’s the Good Witch.
ELPHIE
The only thing she’s good for is twisting your Munchkin sized brain into believing that she’s good.
Look at her all popping up at odd times in a bubble.
Look deeper and you’ll see she’s like a pimple full of puss that’s poisoning all y’alls minds into doing things FOR her. Why can’t she do it herself? Why did she send you and your dead friends instead of doing it herself? It’s because she and that Great Wizard knew that this was a suicide mission only without a note. And those midgets would do anything for her to win her “love and effection.” You know that she sells their lullabies and lollipops to other worlds for six times what she pays them which is nothing. Why do you think my sister was there in the first place?
DOT
For the free suckers and to get some sleep from listening to your tired ass?
ELPHIE
It was to free them from the systemic oppression they’ve been living under!
DOT
I didn’t know that there was an underground railroad under them yellow bricks.
ELPHIE
That’s where she was gonna take ’em until your ratched ass wooden shack fell from the sky and squashed her.
DOT
So what do you want these slippers for?
ELPHIE
Hey Monks! Boolay kotsinaya en tropa.
MONKS uses it’s wings to fly up a large bookshelf and pulls down a large book and gives it to Elphie.
ELPHIE
This.
DOT
The Grimmerie.
ELPHIE
This book plus those Ruby Reds equals the end of that northern fake ass tyrant’s rule. The Grimmerie has sections that can only been opened for those who wear the key to unlimited power.
DOT
And I guess that’s where I fit into the equation?
ELPHIE
Didn’t need a calculator to figure that out.
So, want to taste your Auntie Em’s mac-and-cheese with hotdogs again? You know, one spell from this book can make that happen.
Or I can make you eat that hot DOG that’s spinnin’ over the fire?
Your choice.
DOT
Give me a Number 2 pencil and a scantron and I’ll mark the box, No Dice, for ya.
ELPHIE
Choice has been made.
Monks!!
MONKS grabs the Tin-Man’s axe and chops at Dot’s left foot.
It takes a couple of tries before Dot’s left foot comes flying off.
DOT screams in pain.
MONKS throws down the axe and hops over to the severed foot still wearing a Ruby Red Slipper. As he picks it up, he gets a shock. He takes a shit in his hands and throws it at the slipper.
ELPHIE
Monks! I told you the right foot!
The right foot!
Damnit! And you had to use up our last pail of water. Her blood’s getting all over the place.
Look at that thing leakin’ like a faucet with the knob missin’.
DOT
Make it stop!
ELPHIE
For the spell!
DOT
Gettin’ dizzy here!
ELPHIE
The Spell!!!
DOT
Going dark…
ELPHIE opens The Grimmerie, turns to a page, and…
ELPHIE
E pa’a red stoppum.
The flood of blood stops pouring from Dot’s leg.
ELPHIE
Monks, wakeum steak’um!
MONKS gets Lion’s tale and smacks Dot with it.
DOT
I’m awake I’m awake.
Damnit, that smarts!
ELPHIE
Monks, morem isakay pa dulay.
MONKS gets a bottle and a couple of shot glasses from a shelf and gives them to Elphie.
ELPHIE pours out a couple of shots and walks them over to Dot.
DOT
To make the pain stop and have a cool pimp walk back on the farm?
ELPHIE holds out one of the glasses to Dot.
ELPHIE
A shot for the shot of a new life for all of us?
DOT takes one of the glasses and holds it up.
ELPHIE
Lechaim!
As ELPHIE down’s her shot, DOT begins to laugh.
Her laugh begins as a giggle and then morphs into same infamous evil cackle as The Wicked Witch of the West’s.
DOT
Erroom doxslay et unum!
The Grimmerie flys into Dot’s hands.
ELPHIE
What?!
DOT twirls her fingers and ELPHIE begins to levitate.
DOT
Oh, Dear Sister. All this time, you had the book? The dirty little secrets you hold.
ELPHIE
Nessie?
DOT
You mess with the bull, you eat its balls.
ELPHIE
That was father’s favorite quote.
DOT opens The Grimmerie and turns to a page to read…
DOT
Addendum alem etoondum footem.
DOT’s severed foot rewinds back onto the it’s once orphaned appendage. DOT stands.
DOT
Ah. Much better.
ELPHIE
What kind of mother fuckin’ sorcery is this? I thought you were dead?
DOT
I figured that’s what you wanted.
See, your old college friend, Glinda, or as you call her, the Good Bitch from the North, told me that it was you who tossed a shed into a storm to fall on my dome. Luckily, my old body had one more spell in it to trade places with that goody-red- shoed whiney little turd before it crashed.
While those stupid little people started singing around my once upon-a-dead-body, Glida told me, while being this red- headed shit, that you had this powerful book and the only way, “I” can get back home is to grab it for her.
And here it is.
Unlimited power.
ELPHIE
What about our mission to take her down?
DOT
Oh, I will… it’s just no longer OUR mission.
Monks!
MONKS grabs the axe and cuts off ELPHIE’S right foot.
ELPHIE screams as another flood of blood drains out of the missing limb!
ELPHIE
Now, you cut off the right foot?!
DOT and MONKS begin to exit but stops at the first to look at the Toto BBQ.
DOT
Damnit, I started growing attached to that little dog too.
You know we were never allowed to have pets.
That damn broke my heart, Elphaba.
Bye Sister.
DOT begins to hum Somewhere Over the Rainbow while flipping through the book as her and MONKS exit. The sound of rain and thunder grows louder and louder.
ELPHIE
Nessie!!!
NESSAROSE! COME BACK HERE!!!
YOU CAN’T LEAVE ME LIKE THIS!!!
No… Nooooo… Noooooooo…….
With one last crack of thunder, a bright flash of green light fills the room before the absence of light swallows the space and all those in it.
END OF PLAY