Hang on tight cuz there’s a lot to unpack here…
I was listening to the Balay Kreative Podcast w/ Nicole Salaver with Ruby Ibarra as the guest. The topic of Imposter Syndrome for a creative really struck a chord. Lately, I’ve had that feeling when I was in a theater space and just felt like an outsider. Like I didn’t belong. I recently attended a play opening and I was in my typical wallflower mode. Usually, it’s because of my Social Anxiety, but this was different. I was aware of where I was and in the space I was in. In front of me was a sea of “theatre” people and I felt in my bones like I was intruding on all the laughs, plastic cups filled with champagne clinking, and “what are you working on now?”-isms.
I’m not going to reduce this into anything racial, because frankly, that’s the easy route. But maybe, possibly, it was because the art I create, the art that is me, wouldn’t be accepted by most of the folx that occupied the room. And I think what bothered me the most, is that if I wanted to be “accepted” by them, then I’d have to write for them. I know that this is probably all in my head, but if that is what I am thinking/feeling/believing, is that a part of having a Colonized Mentality?
Ever since I took part in a “privilege study” (a situation where a series of ‘culture’ action statements like “Raise your hand if you’re parents read to you.” or “Take a step forward if your parent works as a Doctor or Lawyer.”), I’ve been acutely aware of how status and privilege mean to the arts. Questions of why is Ballet and Fine Arts funded more than Tinikling or Tagging? Who gets to be more funded or promoted because of how wide is the audience reach for the content of their art?
And I’ll be honest, I’ve had this run the other way for me. I was at a friend’s closing performance where I was introduced to a prominent playwright in the non-traditional teatro space. He was definitely engaged while we were talking about craft and subject matter, but when I told him that I can only write plays on my off-hours because of my day job: “Where do you work?” I told him it was for a Fortune 500 company as a Web Developer, his demeanor shifted, and eventually asked another person who was walking by a question and followed that conversation with said person… wow. Hurts both ways.
I can also say, “Hey, Conrad. Love you buddy, but maybe it’s because your work isn’t good enough to be used by all these established companies?” “Well, Buddy…. my work has been produced by companies that have been around for over 20 years. That’s pretty established if that’s the definition you want to use.” “You know what I mean…” “Yeah… I do know what you mean.” And there you go Ladies and Gentlemen, a journey into my mind.
Calling back to the interview with Ruby, she said (to the effect of because I need to find the exact verbiage), ‘I can’t do what I do just for me. I need to have some way to uplift and support my community. It’d be disingenuous if I claim representation if I’m doing it for myself and my career. It has to be done for all of us.’ Well, this is DEFINITELY not what she said verbatim, but that’s my interpretation of what she said, and being in that crowd mentioned earlier is exactly why I do what I do! When I’m in certain circles outside of my home space, my spidey-sense tingles with the vibes that certain folx are indeed doing it for themselves or for the groups that they represent while under the guise of, “We’re inclusive of everyone” or “We want to tell diverse stories of our communities.” And that’s my perspective on things and would absolutely welcome discussions to counter it.
The podcast really hit home when they discussed Decolonizing our creative mindset. Will writing phrases in Waray, Visayan, or Tagalog limit our audience? Will having discussions about our filipinx/a/o culture make audiences feel alienated? Would I be able to get more of my work produced if I didn’t write for Filipinx/o/a Actors and made the characters more universal? For questions like this, I’ll callout the BULLSHIT! Wanna try rephrasing those questions by replacing “audiences” with “white audiences”? And if you want to be more p.c. about it, “audiences” with “theater companies who will only produce work for thier [target audiences],” and I’m sure you can fill in those demographics with what you will normally find when you go for an evening of Theat-ahh. #speakYourTruth
Having a Colonized Mentality, which has been passed down through generational trauma in order to survive in an oppressive environment, my immediate response after writing that last paragraph, was to APOLOGIZE. What kind of fucked up fuckery is that? It’s a direct slap to my inner thoughts and feelings based on the hundreds of productions I’ve seen at different houses. And I’m mature enough to not put EVERY theatre company on blast through everything I’ve witnessed and read (see The Living Document). There are definitely companies out there actually trying to buck that trend and I applaud them. But the emotion remains, I don’t feel welcomed in certain spaces as a writer who writes plays.
And I’m going to put this out here too because I’d be hypocritical and an arsehole if I didn’t claim any blame in feeling this way because I HAVE had the opportunity to be a part of an INCREDIBLE group of playwrights. I’ve even had a short play publicly stage read at a great venue in which I will always be grateful for! And everyone, well, most people in that organization, made me feel so welcome. But it didn’t feel me. It started to feel like I needed to write FOR THEM instead of writing for me. How sad is that?
But with time, comes growth! Now’s the time to write for me with the stories that will hopefully bring more Filipinx/a/o-American audiences into a space to be able to share our universal truths. And it’s always a hope that those audience members, especially if that’s their first time seeing a live production, will go to other “mainstream” theaters to diversify their audience base. And if they see my work, they’ll support other plays by POCs! And if they see our amazing actors on stage, they’ll be inspired to want to be on stage or write plays for other POCs to tell their stories. Or better yet, their PARENTS will see that being a creative has worth in the world and will encourage and support their kid’s dreams of creating a performance art that will change the world and its views.