Image by Andrew Martin from Pixabay
The title of this post has mostly but frozen to my email signatures for the better part of 20 years. I kinda fell into being a web developer after graduating with a New Media B.F.A. at an art school in San Francisco. My first job started as a graphic design intern where they needed someone who could also program a webpage using HTML and CSS. “Luckily” for me, I had the skills to do that and never really stopped.
All the while, I continued to live the artist life AFTER work hours. I’ve always kept those two worlds apart. It was natural for me to refer to my day job as the day job and became second nature to keep both worlds separate. And naturally, with the business that coding world brought financial “freedom”, I felt boxed in creatively and slowly evaporated my skills to empathize and let go.
I took a career test on careerfitter.com yesterday and noticed that all of my answers leaned towards the facts/specific/absolutes/kpi (key performance indicator)/analytical–my left brain. But with every question, I could feel my heart plead with me to choose the other empathic button. At the conclusion of the questionairre, the results pointed me to a career in management–something I’ve always rejected ever since being young–and a lot of people have told me this, to which I am grateful that they could see that leader side of me when I couldn’t… or didn’t want to admit too. Only lately, I’ve come to embrace it but more of an “leader by example/friend” role.
So in this trying time of being between jobs, I’ve come to realize that part of me I would like to get back. The person who can let go and Let God take the wheel. I’m not in a place to display my religious convictions in a public forum like this, but I could feel something inside is pulling me to go to Mass. lol… Just something to ground myself again. To feel again perhaps?
Anyways, back to the theme of this post. I don’t think I’m cut out to do the day job vs. night/weekend job anymore. I’m rather excited to think about the possibilities on how I can combine both. I don’t want to give up on the web development skills I have amassed over the last 20 years. There’s value there and definitely a part of me. But I know I need to value the other part of me too.
I’m not whole. And it breaks my heart that I’ve allowed myself to get to this point. But it’s NEVER too late, and more importantly, I’m hopeful for me!