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Download the script here (PDF)
THE CAT FROM IPANEMA
A Short Comedy
Written by
Conrad A. Panganiban
CAST OF CHARACTERS
DANI. Gender Neutral Person who remembers the time before Social Media.
JORDAN. Gender Neutral Person who remembers the time before Streaming Cable Channels.
OVERHEAD VOICE. A vocal and non-seen presence announcing a flight announcement.
SETTING
This play takes place in the present at an Airline Gate for a flight to Brazil.
Fade up on a bossa nova tune inspired by The Girl from Ipanema by Astrud Gilberto.
DANI and JORDAN are sitting in a couple of seats at a airport gate minutes before boarding a flight. They are both digging in their carry-ons.
DANI
(frantically looking through her carry-on)
Jordan, I told you that I packed him.
JORDAN
Well, telling and knowing are two different things, Dani!
DANI
Would you keep your voice down?
JORDAN
Why? You don’t want everyone to hear how big of a dildo my spouse is for forgetting Pete’s ashes!
DANI
(to all the surrounding passengers)
Pete was our cat, everyone. Not a person.
JORDAN
Actually, Pete was the re-incarnated soul of my Grand Tio Pedro!
DANI
Which was never proven!
JORDAN
You know that cat played the piano just like Grand Tio Pedro.
DANI
When he was drunk!
JORDAN
Don’t you dare speak bad of the dead!
DANI
Why not? He can’t hear me. Especially since it was your responsibility to put his reincarnated cat’s ashes in your carry-on!
JORDAN
So you’re blaming me for losing him?
DANI
No, I’m blaming you for killing him!
JORDAN
Pete died of natural causes!
DANI
Our cat choking on your fidget spinner is not a natural cause.
But, I wasn’t talking about him!
JORDAN
Oh my god! How many times have we gone over this!? That was an accident!
DANI
All you had to do was to make sure that the lever didn’t move. But no! It moved and then splat went Grand Tio Pedro!
JORDAN
It was your idea to lower the piano out of our apartment window!
DANI
How else were we supposed to move it down from five stories up?
JORDAN
But it was YOU who told Grand Tio Pedro to stand below the piano to make sure no one walked underneath it.
DANI
Because it was him who wanted the piano back because you stopped playing.
JORDAN
Now, you’re blaming my inability to play the piano for the death of my Grand Tio Pedro?
DANI
You know what?
Yes.
I am going to blame you for that.
JORDAN
I knew it.
DANI
I’m blaming you for getting rid of something that brought us together, Jordan.
The first time I heard you play Astrud Gilberto’s “Girl from Ipanema” on that out-of-tune piano at Costco when we worked there, I knew that you were the most talented person in that entire warehouse. And then after you played “I Want It That Way” by the Backstreet Boys… I knew that I found the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
Pause.
JORDAN
Grand Tio Pedro was the person who taught me that song.
DANI
I never pictured him as a Backstreet fan.
JORDAN
Not that song. I was talking about “The Girl from Ipanema.”
DANI
I know. I was kidding. But if he did teach you “I Want It That Way”, then I would have married him first.
JORDAN
Would you have still have married me knowing I couldn’t play any more?
DANI
Jordan, playing those songs opened the door to the person I was looking for. But it was your personality, your attitude, your wit, and your love that made me want to never leave you. And nothing will ever change that.
JORDAN
Not even my-
DANI
Not even your Parkinsons.
They hug (or kiss depending on consent).
DANI (CONT’D)
For better or for worse.
JORDAN
Thank you.
DANI
But you losing our cat’s ashes? Could’ve been a deal breaker.
JORDAN
Hey! Pete was your responsibility, you crack head.
DANI
No. You’re the crack head! You crack… crack. Crack… crack…
JORDAN
I knew you were smoking crack!
DANI
No! Not this time.
DANI unzips a pocket of her carry-on and pulls out a ziplock bag that contains an ash-like substance.
DANI
Hey, Pete.
I forgot that I put you in the Cracker bag!
JORDAN grabs the ziplock bag and hugs it.
JORDAN
Hi, Grand Tio Pedro.
DANI
Now who’s looking like the crack head?
Pause.
JORDAN
He’s going to like it there.
DANI
Who wouldn’t like being spread on the beaches of Ipanema?
JORDAN
Where he and my Grand Tia Rosalinda first met.
DANI
The Girl from Ipanema.
Bell-tones fill the air followed by an OVERHEAD VOICE is heard.
OVERHEAD VOICE
Brazilian Airlines Flight to Rio De Jinero is boarding in 15 minutes.
DANI
Ready Pete?
JORDAN
Grand Tio Pedro’s ready.
JORDAN and DANI stand up and exit with their carry-ons.
END OF PLAY