Like, Subscribe, and Murder: The Case of the Killer Lumpia
A 10-Minute Whodunnit Play
Written by
Conrad A. Panganiban
CAST OF CHARACTERS
Monica Pascual: 20s. Female. Filipinx-American and YouTuber. She is also a filmmaker who loves whodunnits and Filipino Food.
Vincenzo Premsirat: 30s-50s. Male. Person of Color. Sole Homicide Detective of Fog City. The traditional gumshoe who loves solving murders and how they’re solved in movies.
Nekesa Moonbeam: 50-60s. Female. The Silver-Haired Homecook – peace-loving, herbal healing enthusiast, and proud chef who holds a personal grudge against Chance as he has judged her the loser of 24 straight international food competitions.
Heinrich Van DeLaVega: 30s-40s. Male. The Classically Trained Chef – had his business ruined by the judge who gave him a bad review.
Ilima-Lei Dandridge: 30s-50s. Female. The Femme Fatale and on-and-off-again life partner of the Judge.
SETTING
The present in a park at Fog City’s 40th Annual International Food Competition.
Lights up on the cast facing the audience: MONICA PASQUAL, Vlogger/Filmmaker/Narrator of our Whodunnit, VINCENZO PREMSIRAT, Fog City’s only homicide detective who’s wearing latex gloves, NEKESA MOONBEAM, the silver-haired cook of Lumpia #1 who’s wearing a bandage around her hand, HEINRICH VON DE LA VEGA, the classically-trained chef of Lumpia #2, and ILIMA-LEI DANDRIDGE, the Ex-Lover and Culinarian of Lumpia #3.
MONICA
Fo reals though! Who would have ever guessed that the murderer would be…
ALL
(whodunnit sing-song)
Dun dun dunn…
MONICA
But before I reveal who murdered Chance Bartholomew, the judge and food critic of Fog City’s 40th Annual International Food Competition, don’t forget to Click, Like, and Subscribe to the YouTube Channel you’re watching now, Monica’s Vlogumentary… and I’m Monica.
NEKESA
I’m all about peace, harmony, and damn good cooking so I would never hurt a fly.
MONICA
That’s Nekesa Moonbeam. This is the 40th time that she’s entered the competition and hasn’t won yet.
NEKESA
That’s because Chance doesn’t know his taste buds from his toe nails! That no good piece of-
HEINRICH
Coq Au Vin (pronounced cohk oh vah(n)) is the piece de resistance of my Bistro and the inspiration for my entry!
MONICA
That’s Heinrich Von De La Vega. The executive chef at Chez Bistro who was classically trained in French Cuisine at the Courdon Bleu Institute in Paris… Texas.
HEINRICH
The master chefs there told me, “Yeehaw! Your escargot are trés bon!” The best they ever had! So after Chance gave my restaurant a bad review, I knew he’d have to pay for it!
MONICA
By murdering him?
HEINRICH
No, with American Express, Cash, or with Apple Pay? My food is not free!
ILIMA-LEI
Even though he was a cheap bastard!
MONICA
And that’s Ilima-Lei Dandridge, who Chance recently broke up with.
ILIMA-LEI
I broke up with him!
VINCENZO
That’s not what my report says.
VINCENZO begins to take off his latex gloves used to investigate the murder scene.
MONICA
And that’s Fog City’s no-nonsense gumshoe and only homicide detective, Vincenzo Premsirat.
VINCENZO
Thanks Monica. Where were you when Chance’s guts and lumpia parts started to fall out of every orifice of his body?
MONICA
I was right behind my phone filming all of it.
VINCENZO
Good. I’ll need to see that footage for this investigation.
NEKESA
I hope it doesn’t have those funny angles like in your last movie.
HEIRICH
Those shots made me feel queasy.
ILIMA-LEI
Didn’t even bother to ask me to be in your video.
MONICA
Those angles were experimental! And I went to film school, not a movie or video school.
VINCENZO
Or your YouTube school too?
MONICA
Doing these videos pays for my film career.
HEINRICH
Well, I hope your videos catch who really killed that poor excuse of a food judge. I have to get back to my restaurant.
VINCENZO
Nobody’s going anywhere until I catch the cook of the killer lumpia!
MONICA
(to audience)
As a representative of the Filipinx community of Fog City, a lumpia is the Filipino variation of the asian egg roll which was selected for this year’s food competition.
NEKESA
I should have won last year’s Ravioli competition!
HEINRICH
And I should have won for best Sushi the year before that!
ILIMA-LEI
And if I didn’t break up with him the year of the Philly Cheesesteak competition, I would have taken home the trophy!
NEKESA
That Chance!
HEINRICH
That Merde Chance!
ILIMA-LEI
That Small Penis Chance!
VINCENZO
Looks like we have a lot of people who wanted Chance dead.
ALL
Who? Not me!
MONICA
Looks like I have the subject of my next film mystery right here!
VINCENZO
Nekesa Moonbeam, it looks like you have known the victim, Chance Bartholomew, the longest.
NEKESA
I wish I didn’t.
VINCENZO
So where is the love, peace, and happiness now?
NEKESA
For the person who has denied me the trophy for the last 24 years, my patience with him has grown very thin… but I would never harm anyone… no matter how much that person deserved it. And praise the chakra universe for making me believe in Karma.
VINCENZO
You made your own lumpia wrappers correct?
MONICA
(to audience)
Again, as the Filipinx representative, lumpias usually consist of a meat with a mixture of vegetables, or just plain vegetable for our vegans, and wrapped in a crepe-like wrapper.
NEKESA
I made my lumpia wrapper with the traditional ingredients of flour, cornstarch, water, and salt.
VINCENZO
And no glass?
NEKESA
Glass?
VINCENZO
Do you care to explain the bandage around your hand?
NEKESA
A small accident.
VINCENZO
A broken glass cup was found at your cooking station.
NEKESA
Can’t a person be a little clumsy?
VINCENZO
There’s a difference between a broken glass and a meticulously crushed shards.
NEKESA
Purely for decoration, Detective! I’ve tried to win this competition for 39 years. Obviously, if it wasn’t all for the taste of my dishes, then it’s possible that my presentation needed a step up. Hence the exquisite mirrored refractions of glass around the plate would be next level enough.
MONICA
Oh Snap! That’s what up with the halo effect around your food on video, Nekesa! That’s hella dope!
VINCENZO
But I’m not a dope in thinking that could have been what killed our judge! Don’t go anywhere. You’re not clear just yet.
NEKESA
My innocence is clearer than any of those glass shards you’re accusing me of!
HEINRICH
Did someone say Swiss Chard?
MONICA
Out of the three finalist lumpias in the competition, I’ve never heard of Swiss Chard being an ingredient.
HEINRICH
Swiss chard, truffles, hoop shoots, La Bonnette potatoes, and 80% ground wagyu to be exact! And a traditional side of white steamed rice.
VINCENZO
Sounds like those ingredients would have cost a ton.
HEINRICH
Nothing but the best to win this competition and bring me back my honor.
VINCENZO
And possibly save your restaurant? Didn’t Chance’s latest review cause a 90% drop in reservations?
MONICA
Ooo… the plot thickens!
HEINRICH
I started that restaurant with nothing and since returning from Paris-
MONICA
Texas-
HEINRICH
We had reservations from people as far away as Santa Rosa and Morgan Hill!
MONICA
For our place of Fog City, that’s a major thing.
HEINRICH
Thank you, Monica. But yes, people were finally coming to our little town, and for all that to stop because a Food Critic writes that there was too much butter used in my food was a slap in the face. It was only right that I slap back harder!
VINCENZO
So you admit to the murder!
HEINRICH
I said slap back against his taste buds, not with anything physical! I wanted to slap his taste buds so hard that would cause his intestines to rumble in joy.
VINCENZO
Unfortunately, they rumbled inside and outside of him.
MONICA
And more unfortunately, it was all on video too.
HEINRICH
But none of my ingredients would have done that!
VINCENZO
How about arsenic, Chef Von De La Vega?
HEINRICH
Sacrebleu!
VINCENZO
Did you know that the level of arsenic in rice, though very small, can be raised with a combination of hoop shoots?
HEINRICH
Raised?
VINCENZO
Something only some of the world’s best trained chefs in Paris would know.
HEINRICH
Did I mention that it was Paris, Texas?
MONICA
(to Audience)
OMG PEEPS! Please take time to Click, Like, Subscribe and click on the notification bell to find out in real time to see who killed our judge!
VINCENZO
Don’t go far Chef Von De La Vega! And don’t try anything saucy!
ILIMA-LEI
Did someone call me?
MONICA
And if that wasn’t a subtle transition.
VINCENZO
Ah, Miss Ilima-Lei Dandridge.
ILIMA-LEI
I hope that you can’t blame me for anything Detective Premsirat? Or can I call you Vinny?
VINCENZO
We’re not in High School anymore, Ilima. It’s Detective Vinny… I mean Vincenzo, Detective Vincenzo… Premsirat.
ILIMA-LEI
Whatever you say… Vinny.
VINCENZO
Ilima… Ilima-Lei, we have to talk about your sauce.
MONICA
(to audience)
Filipinx alert: Lumpias tend to use Sweet and Sour Sauce to be used for dipping, but for traditionalists, white vinegar, salt, pepper, and some garlic spooned into an open lumpia is hella making my mouth water!
ILIMA-LEI
Am I making your mouth water, Detective?
VINCENZO
Uh… that talk didn’t work on me in high school and it’s not working for me now. But maybe the shrimp extract in your sauce caused more than Chance’s interiors to water.
ILIMA-LEI
I don’t know what your talking about, Vinny.
VINCENZO
Is it true that if Heinrich’s Bistro closed that Chance was going to buy it and give it to you to run the restaurant of your dreams?
ILIMA-LEI
I had big plans for Ilima-Lei’s Small Café, until…
VINCENZO
You told him that you were leaving him for someone else!
ILIMA-LEI
I swear! I wasn’t planning on telling him!
VINCENZO
Was that before or after you knew that the shrimp extract was going to give Chance the allergic reaction you hoped for!
ILIMA-LEI
But I didn’t do it! I swear I didn’t!
MONICA
Detective, how did you know that Chance was allergic to shrimp?
ILIMA-LEI
Because he was the one who gave him Benadryl after Chance’s first allergic reaction in High School from the Pad Thai Vinny made me for lunch.
That’s when I first started going out with Chance. Vinny knew I love Shrimp Pad Thai so he surprised me during lunch with what he cooked. Chance, the dick that he was, started to eat it to spite our budding chef turned detective over there. That’s when Chance started to choke. Guess he didn’t know he was allergic to shellfish either. And good ‘ol Vincenzo thought quick enough to save our dead friend then with some Benadryl.
MONICA
But Ilima-Lei didn’t have time to make the sauce for the lumpia yet.
VINCENZO
Say what?
MONICA
I have it on video. Time was running out and the sauce that Ilima-Lei was going to use was still in the bottle.
ILIMA-LEI
Then how did the sauce get on the plate?
MONICA
(to camera)
And add the Jump-Cut here…
Fo reals though! Who would have ever guessed that the murderer would be…
ILIMA-LEI
Vinny, did you?
MONICA
Get him!
NEKESA and HEINRICH restrains VINCENZO.
ILIMA-LEI
How could you?
MONICA
I knew it! Those Googly, “I’ll-do-anything-to-make-you-love-me” Eyes said it all! Not to mention, the gloves he was wearing to cover up his fingerprints as he poured the sauce with the Shrimp extract on the lumpia, gave his murder away… and I have it all on YouTube!
HEINRICH
And you were going to blame it on me!
NEKESA
And me!
ILIMA-LEI
And you were going to kill him for me too? Awe!
MONICA
That’s still a bad thing.
ILIMA-LEI
Oh, yeah! Bad detective!
VINCENZO
I wasn’t all bad. From the day I met you in Home-Ec Class, Ilima-Lei Dandridge, I wanted you to love me, but I knew that would never happen with Chance Bartholomew in the way! I could have had a life with you and your restaurant if that meddling YouTuber didn’t get in the way!
MONICA
We meddle to get likes and comments, bucko! And speaking of which, since we don’t have a judge, we don’t have a clear winner for this year’s competition. So, for the folx watching this video, comment below with who you think should have won!
Take him away!
HEINRICH and NEKESA lead VINCENZO off-stage with ILIMA-LEI following them.
ALL
Vote for me!
MONICA
Well, you never know what you’re gonna get every week from Monica’s Vlogumentary! But at least for now, Click, Like, and Murder: The Case of the Killer Lumpia is solved!
Blackout.
END OF PLAY