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FLASH MOBBED BY A DRAGON
An Engagement Farce by
Conrad A. Panganiban
CAST OF CHARACTERS
GUY. Male. 20-30. Gal’s boyfriend and very nervous for the biggest moment of his life.
BARNUM. Female. The owner of Barnum’s Flash Mobbery! Always in control… until confronted by a dragon.
ZIGGY, THE DRAGON WRANGLER. Female. Has the spirit of Steve Irwin, the famous Crocodile Hunter as she looks over SPUF, THE MAGIC DRAGON.
ZAHARA, THE CHOREOGRAPHER. Female. A very unique dancer/artist. Loves EDM Music, Voguing, and Ibiza! Hates Bruno Mars.
ENZO, THE FLORIST. Male. A man’s man. He has an exterior of a tough New Yorker, but is very emotional when it comes to past loves.
GAL. Female. 20-30. Guy’s girlfriend. Part-time actor / full-time kick boxer. Unaware that she’s about to experience the biggest moment of her life.
SPUF, THE MAGIC DRAGON. Dragon. Moody when not fed. Has a fondness for FilipinoFood.
SETTING
Bindlestiff Studio Stage
TIME
Present
Lights up on a bare theater stage.
Enter BARNUM and GUY. BARNUM is either carrying a walkie talkie or wearing a headset.
GUY
I can’t believe you found a real dragon!
BARNUM
I find everything for my clients.
GUY
I gotta hand it to you, your Yelp! reviews don’t lie.
BARNUM
Then I hope you’ll be able to write me a good review by the end of the night.
GUY
How can I not? You got a dragon!
BARNUM
What’s a flash mob without a dragon?
GUY
(referring to the AUDIENCE)
And… and… and this mob!
BARNUM
Well they kinda came with the space.
(to AUDIENCE)
Is everyone ready to make Guy’s dream come true?
BARNUM encourages the AUDIENCE to applaud.
GUY
Okay. Now I’m starting to get nervous. What if everything goes wrong?
BARNUM
Trust me. Nothing will go wrong. In 10 minutes, you won’t have a care in the world. You texted her, right?
GUY
Absolutely. I told her to meet me here right after she got out of her kickboxing class.
BARNUM
And she doesn’t need directions or anything?
GUY
No. She knows where Bindlestiff is. Actually, this is where we met. On this very stage. We met during the first year of Fables Tall. She acted in this play where she played a dragon slayer…
BARNUM
Hence the dragon request!
GUY
Exactly! But I didn’t think you could get a real–
Enter ZIGGY, THE DRAGON WRANGLER
ZIGGY, THE DRAGON WRANGLER
Barnum! Barnum! When are we getting paid?
BARNUM
Not now, Ziggy.
ZIGGY, THE DRAGON WRANGLER
What do you mean not now? That was the arrangement.
BARNUM
No. The arrangement was that you were going to be paid after the event.
Guy, this is the person who is responsible for getting PUFF, The Magic–
ZIGGY, THE DRAGON WRANGLER
It’s SPUF. SPUF, THE MAGIC DRAGON. PUFF was already trademarked. So his name is SPUF.
GUY
SPUF? As in Spirit, Pride, Unity, Friendship SPUF?
ZIGGY, THE DRAGON WRANGLER
No. SPUF as in SPUF, THE MAGIC DRAGON.
(to BARNUM)
And SPUF is getting hungry.
GUY
Hungry? Like how hungry? Like people eating hungry? Barnum, that makes me nervous.
BARNUM
Guy, there’s nothing to be nervous about.
(Nervous)
Now, um… what do you mean by hungry?
ZIGGY, THE DRAGON WRANGLER
He gets a little moody when he doesn’t eat.
GUY
Ummm… can we go back to our original plan and get the carabao?
BARNUM
Already covered. I have them in the back as well.
ZIGGY, THE DRAGON WRANGLER
Uhhh… not anymore.
GUY
What do you mean by not anymore?!
ZIGGY, THE DRAGON WRANGLER
I told you. SPUF was hungry.
BARNUM
SPUF, THE MAGIC DRAGON ate the carabao that I had shipped directly from the Philippines.
ZIGGY, THE DRAGON WRANGLER
What can I say? SPUF loves to eat things from the Philippines.
(Finally noticing the audience)
Speaking of which… are some of these people from the Philippines? Why didn’t you tell me this Barnum? SPUF thinks that Filipinos taste like lumpia.
GUY
Now I’m REALLY nervous.
BARNUM pulls out a Snickers Bar from his pocket.
BARNUM
Give SPUF this.
ZIGGY, THE DRAGON WRANGLER
A Snickers Bar?
BARNUM
It works in the commercials.
ZIGGY, THE DRAGON WRANGLER
Okay.
Exit ZIGGY, THE DRAGON WRANGLER.
GUY
What was I thinking? Asking for a dragon?! A dragon?!!
BARNUM
You weren’t thinking about the dragon earlier because… because you were thinking about how much you love your girlfriend, Gaaaa…
GUY
Gal.
BARNUM
Right. Gal. You were thinking about how you and Gal were going to live out the rest of your lives, right?
GUY
Right.
BARNUM
And all you were thinking about was how you were going to make this the most memorable night of Gal’s life, right?
GUY
RIGHT!
EDM music begins to blare. Enter ZAHARA,
THE CHOREOGRAPHER doing a Vogue Routine.
ZAHARA, THE CHOREOGRAPHER
Now everyone on this side, do this!
(ZAHARA teaches The AUDIENCE hand and arm choreography.)
And now everyone on this side do the same thing!
(ZAHARA teaches The AUDIENCE hand and arm choreography.)
Once the music stops, ZAHARA, THE CHOREOGRAPHER, fans herself down.
ZAHARA, THE CHOREOGRAPHER (CONT’D)
How did that look? Stop. Don’t answer that. I’ll tell you – Sheer Perfection!
GUY
Uhhh… that’s not the song I paid for.
ZAHARA, THE CHOREOGRAPHER
Who is this?
BARNUM
Zahara, this is our client, Guy. Now, what happened to the song I told you to use?
ZAHARA, THE CHOREOGRAPHER
Not worth my time or talent.
GUY
But Gal can’t stand EDM. It gives her a headache.
ZAHARA, THE CHOREOGRAPHER
Then whoever she is is going to be disappointed. This
(ZAHARA, THE CHOREOGRAPHER does a dance move.)
is the future.
GUY
I won’t have a future with her if that
(GUY imitates ZAHARA’S dancing)
and that
(GUY imitates music)
is what she sees and hears.
ZAHARA, THE CHOREOGRAPHER
Maybe you’re better off without her.
GUY
(to BARNUM)
She’s making me nervous!
BARNUM
Zahara, what did I tell you about our clients?
ZAHARA, THE CHOREOGRAPHER
Who needs them? Clients and Art are not meant to be used in the same sentence.
BARNUM
Do I have to remind you about Ibiza? No gig. No Money. No Ibiza.
ZAHARA, THE CHOREOGRAPHER
Do I have to use that song?
GUY
What do you have against Bruno Mars?
ZAHARA, THE CHOREOGRAPHER
That impish Puerto Rican Filipino Hawaiian wouldn’t know good dancing if it bit him on the culo!
BARNUM
Zahara was turned down at a Bruno Mars audition.
ZAHARA, THE CHOREOGRAPHER
Feh! I turned him down!
GUY
She loves that song! And I NEED this night to be perfect with that song!
BARNUM
Either use the song or there’s no trip to Ibiza.
ZAHARA, THE CHOREOGRAPHER
Fine.
The things I do for Art.
BARNUM
Art is the name of the DJ slash Lover slash Sanitation Artist she met in Ibiza.
Enter ENZO, THE FLORIST but we can’t see his face through all the flowers in front of his face.
ZAHARA, THE CHOREOGRAPHER starts to sneeze.
ZAHARA, THE CHOREOGRAPHER
Tell me those aren’t Petunias.
GUY
No! Not Petunias. She’s allergic to Petunias. Those are making me very nervous!
ZAHARA, THE CHOREOGRAPHER
And it’s making me very sneezy.
Exit ZAHARA, THE CHOREOGRAPHER.
BARNUM
Change the song Zahara!
Thank Goodness you’re finally here! The mark will be here any minute now. I need those flowers there and don’t forget, only a shower of flowers–
GUY
Those better not be Petunias!
BARNUM
What’s wrong with–
GUY
She’s allergic to them!
ENZO
(behind the flowers)
But you loved them.
GUY
Who said that?
BARNUM
This is ENZO, THE FLORIST.
GUY
No.
ENZO, THE FLORIST
Hi Guy. Miss me?
GUY
VERY NERVOUS!
BARNUM
You know each other?
ENZO, THE FLORIST
Tell her.
GUY
No, you tell her.
ENZO, THE FLORIST
No, you tell her.
GUY
I’m not gonna tell her.
ENZO, THE FLORIST
I’m not gonna tell her if you’re not gonna tell her.
GUY
Boy. I swear, some things never change.
ENZO, THE FLORIST
And apparently some things do.
GUY
Oh, that’s just rich coming from a two-timing, back-stabbing, little–
ENZO, THE FLORIST
Takes one to know one.
BARNUM
Wow. You sound like an annoying couple.
ENZO, THE FLORIST AND GUY
SHUT UP!
BARNUM
Wait.
You.
And.
You.
Together?
ENZO, THE FLORIST
Until I caught him fooling around with… wait up a minute… is this… is all of this… and these? The audience? The effin’ dragon? All of this for that floosy you left me for?
GUY
Hey, you’re the one who said that you wanted to see other people!
ENZO, THE FLORIST
Dat’s right! I said I wanted to see other people, not you!
GUY
We need new flowers and a new florist!
BARNUM
Can’t. We signed the Florists Contract of America Agreement. If I fire him, I’ll never be able to hire another florist. Ever.
ENZO, THE FLORIST
Gotta love them Unions, Yo!
GUY
C’mon! This is supposed to be the best night ever and now I got Filipino Eating Dragons, Bruno Mars hating Choreographers, and Him!
ENZO, THE FLORIST
You used to love me, you scum of the earth dirtbag!
A text message alert sound is heard.
GUY
Drats!
(GUY checks his phone.)
SHE’S HERE!
BARNUM
(Into her walkie-talkie or headset)
The Tinikling Bird Has Landed. I repeat, The Tinikling Bird Has Landed.
GUY
But nothing’s ready!
BARNUM
Don’t worry. We’re all professionals.
(to ENZO, THE FLORIST)
You know what to do! Just a misting of flowers. Got it?
ENZO, THE FLORIST
(to GUY)
You suck! But I’m a professional.
Bad Luck to ya, bucko!
ENZO, THE FLORIST exits.
BARNUM
Cue the music!
The intro “Just The Way You Are” by Bruno Mars starts to play over the speakers.
ZAHARA, THE CHOREOGRAPHER enters and starts to clap along with the rhythm of the song. She then instructs the audience to do the chair hand dance moves she showed them earlier.
BARNUM moves towards the entrance where Gal is and escorts her in. ZAHARA, THE CHOREOGRAPHER dances around them.
When they get to center stage, the song morphs into EDM music and ZAHARA, THE CHOREOGRAPHER begins to VOGUE in HYPERDRIVE!
Fearing for Gal’s well-being, GUY goes to save her.
BARNUM grabs ZAHARA, THE CHOREOGRAPHER and pulls her off stage and the music fades.
GAL
What was that? And why are all these people here?
GUY
Who?
GAL
All of them.
GUY
Oh they’re just… friends. Right, friends?
BARNUM reenters.
BARNUM
Here we go. Cue music.
Music from a 90’s R&B slow jam begins to play.
BARNUM (CONT’D)
Cue Guy.
Psst. That’s you!
GUY
Right.
Gal, I wanted to bring you to the place where we first circled up, did our first show, and fell in love.
BARNUM
Cue the misting of flowers.
ENZO, THE FLORIST enters and begins to throw flower petals over Guy and Gal.
As guy continues his pledge of love to Gal, ENZO, THE FLORIST throws the petals with more and more velocity.
GUY
This is where we shared our first laugh.
Our first cry, Ow.
And our first kiss. OWWWW!!!
(to ENZO, THE FLORIST)
WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH YOU!?
The music stops.
ENZO, THE FLORIST
Typhoon Petunia!
GAL
Did he say Petunias?
GAL starts to itch.
GUY
No Petunias!
BARNUM enters the stage and drags ENZO, THE FLORIST off.
GAL
My skin! My eyes! I can’t stop itching!
GUY
Claritin! I got Claritin!
GUY gives the pill to Gal. BARNUM comes back in with a bottle of water. GUY takes the bottle.
GUY (CONT’D)
Thanks. I’m so parched!
BARNUM
Not for you. For her!
GUY
Oh yeah!
GUY gives the bottle to Gal and she drinks the water with her pill.
GUY (CONT’D)
Better?
GAL shakes her head, “yes.”
GAL
Much.
GUY
Now where was I?
BARNUM
Cue music.
90s slow jam starts up again.
BARNUM (CONT’D)
Bring it home, Guy.
BARNUM exits.
GUY
What I was trying to say was… from the very first moment I saw you, I knew that the person I want to wake up with, take each breath for, and go to sleep next to was you. And I don’t want to imagine what my life would be without you by my side. So, Gal…
As GUY gets down on one knee, a herd of people start running and screaming past the couple and exits.
GUY (CONT’D)
OH, NOW WHAT?!
As ZIGGY, THE DRAGON WRANGLER enters in one direction with burnt clothes,
BARNUM meets her on stage.
ZIGGY, THE DRAGON WRANGLER
I TOLD YOU THAT WE NEEDED MONEY FOR FOOD!
BARNUM
Where’s SPUF?!
ZIGGY, THE DRAGON WRANGLER
SPUF is on the hunt for Filipino Food! And I’m not letting her get next to my abobos!
ZIGGY, THE DRAGON WRANGLER runs off stage.
BARNUM
(to GUY)
Good luck to both of you and if you survive SPUF, can you write me a good review?
Thanks.
As BARNUM runs off stage, SPUF, THE MAGIC DRAGON enters.
GUY
OH. MY. GUH–
GUY immediately faints.
GAL
OH, HELL NO! NOT WHEN I WAS GETTING PROPOSED TO!
Let’s do this!
GAL and SPUF, THE MAGIC DRAGON get into an awesome kickboxing match while the music of Joe Esposito’s “You’re the Best” from Karate Kid plays.
And with one last punch, GAL knocks out SPUF, THE MAGIC DRAGON. As GAL celebrates her victory, GUY starts to wake up.
GAL (CONT’D)
Are you okay?
GUY
Uh… yeah. What happened?
GAL
You were about to do this…
GAL helps GUY back up to his feet.
GAL (CONT’D)
Hey! Where’s my 90’s slow jam?!
The 90’s slow jam begins to play.
GAL gets down on one knee and holds GUY’s hand.
GAL (CONT’D)
Will you marry me?
GUY
Yes!
GAL
Now where’s my ring?
GUY
Oh, yeah.
GUY fishes the ring out of his pocket and puts it on GAL’s finger followed by a long embrace.
BARNUM
And they lived happily ever after.
Fade up and out the 90s Slow Jam Music.
Blackout.
END OF PLAY