Image by Vietnamdrive from Pixabay
Egg and Brie Pie by Conrad A. Panganiban
Cast:
RIKKYBOBBI, a pizza delivery person who loves pizza, fast cars, and cheese.
WORM, an egg delivery person who loves Enya, watching grass grow, and BAWK, his pet chicken.
BAWK, the producer of the eggs that WORM delivers.
An agitated RIKKYBOBBI is sitting in one car behind a calm and smilling WORM and BAWK, who are sitting next to each other in their car listening to calming music.
RIKKYBOBBI
C’mon, Bucko! Put the pedal to the metal! HONK!
BAWK
Bawk.
WORM
Don’t worry. After this Enya song, we can listen to your Nickleback.
RIKKYBOBBI
Heeeyyy!!! My customers don’t tip for cold pizzas!
BAWK
Bawk bawk.
WORM
You’re right, I’ll drive slower. Can’t break any of your eggs we’re delivering to the convent.
RIKKYBOBBI
For Fucks Sake! I don’t care if this is a one-lane road! The sign says 65! Not… 25?!?!?!
HONK! HONK!
BAWK
Bawk bawk bawk.
WORM
(anxiously looking in their rearview mirror)
I am trying not to pay attention.
BAWK
Bawk bawk. Ba-Bawk bawk.
WORM
I know that I promised that these Grrr Steerers wouldn’t ruffle my feathers ever again.
RIKKYBOBBI
Grrr! I’m going to kill whoever changed our motto to “Get your pizza in 5 minutes or it’s free!”
It ain’t free if I have to pay for it! HOOONNNNNNK!!!!
WORM
Stop honking at me!
BAWK
Bawk Bawk!
WORM
I AM CALM! BEEP! BEEEEEP!
RIKKYBOBBI
DRIVE FASTER!!! HONK! HONK! HOOONNNKKK!
BAWK
BAWK! BAWK! BAAAAWWWK!
RIKKYBOBBI
I AIN’T GOT TIME FOR THIS!
(RIKKYBOBBI swerves their car right next to WORM and BAWK. They give each other death stares.)
RIKKYBOBBI
This is how you’re supposed to drive!
WORM
I can drive just as fast!
(THEY look back and forth at each other as they play a game of Chicken down the single-lane road, until…)
| WORM and RIKKYBOBBI NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! | BAWK BAAAAWWWWWWKKKK!!! |
(In slow motion, they fall out of their cars.)
RIKKYBOBBI
Look at what you did!
WORM
What I did? I didn’t put that huge cheese wheel in the middle of the road!
BAWK
Bawk bawk bawkiddy bawk?
WORM
Smell what?
(RIKKYBOBBI, WORM, and BAWK get up and look behind their cars.)
WORM
How did our eggs-?
RIKKYBOBBI
Get on top of my pizza?
WORM
And is that melted White Cheddar or Gouda?
BAWK
Bawk bawk.
RIKKYBOBBI
Did your chicken say, Brie?
WORM
Yup. She would know.
BAWK
Bawk bawk. Ba-Bawk bawk ba-Bawk bawk bah-gawk?
RIKKYBOBBI
(smiles, takes out a bottle of hot sauce, and shakes it.)
I’m way ahead of you.
BLACKOUT