Vampire Squadron 27
A 10-Minute Play
by Conrad A. Panganiban
CAST OF CHARACTERS
Commander Yen (she/her): 27. Commander of Vampire Squadron 27. Strong. Confident. In Command.
Sargent Tristan (he/him): 27. Vampire Sargent. He’s Gung Ho! Intense. The ultimate soldier. A physical and mental Mission Accomplishing Machine.
Soldier Joshua (he/him): 27. Vampire Soldier. Joined the Squad to be able to travel and meet all his online friends. Holds the secret that will change the lives of everyone in the Squadron.
Soldier Lance (he/him): 27. Vampire Soldier. Joined the Squad for the chance to stay in a world without having the worries of being an adult. He’s hella laid back and calls everyone “brah”.
Soldier Dawson (he/him): 27. Vampire Soldier. Enlisted in the Vampire Army because the recruitment flyer offered the luxuries of living in a hotel. He’s very formal in his speech.
SETTING
At Night in a Forest Clearing on Alchemy Hill just below it’s ridge.
Enter YEN, 27, Commander of Vampire Squadron 27, wearing Vampire Military fatigues running towards the front of the stage.
YEN
Told you I’d get here first!
YEN takes out her binoculars and looks up at the hill that lies ahead of her over the audience.
Enter a running TRISTAN, 27, wearing similar Vampire Military fatigues stops behind Yen.
TRISTAN
This wasn’t a race, Commander Yen.
YEN
Do I hear a tinge of jealousy, Sargent Tristan?
TRISTAN
No, Commander.
Enter Soldiers: JOSHUA, LANCE, and DAWSON. All are 27 and also wearing similar Vampire Squadron Military fatigues. They are obviously out of breath and not used to this kind of exercise.
YEN
Soldier Joshua! Are you sure these are the right coordinates?
JOSHUA
(Trying to catch his breath.)
Yes.
Commander.
DAWSON
I can’t tell if my legs are still appendaged to my body.
JOSHUA
I think they’re still at the bottom the hill with my lungs.
LANCE
Then can you tell your legs and your lungs to keep my heart company cuz it fell out of my ass trying to get here.
TRISTAN
That hike was nothing, Soldier Lance. I went 3 days and 10 nights without food, water, or the internet on my last mission.
JOSHUA
I’d die without Wi-Fi.
YEN
Then why did you even join our squadron, Soldier?
JOSHUA
The flyer said that I’d be seeing the world! All I wanted was to be able to visit all my online friends. But I didn’t sign up to put my life on the line!
YEN
You are seeing the world. It’s just a bonus to kill all our enemies on the way there. And if Soldier Joshua’s map is correct, it’s just a short run over that hill.
LANCE
Hold up, Homie! You’re telling me that there’s more running!? I only joined this squad because the flyer said that’s the only way to never grow up! I wanted to be a Toys R Us Kid 24/7!
DAWSON
Then I regret to inform you that Toys R Us no longer exists.
LANCE
That’s because THEY. GREW. UP, BRAH!
TRISTAN
If it makes you feel any better, after the mission’s complete, you’ll have everything you read about in the recruitment flyer.
DAWSON
And that’s all I’ve been requesting! The flyer stated that by joining a squadron, we can expect a life of luxury similar to that of living in a hotel!
YEN
Again, after we finish our objective, we’ll build all the hotels you want on the Wolves’ land over that crest, Soldier Dawson .
DAWSON
Oh my good, Vampiress Commander, I’m not interested in building anything! I’m talking about the luxuries found at hotels. Like ordering room service at a Mariott or The Four Seasons. But desperate times call for desperate measures and would settle for Door Dashing to a Motel 6!
JOSHUA
Well, this hike has me craving for some rich people blood. Because it’s so…
TRISTAN
Rich?
JOSHUA
Their blood makes me wanna say, Umami.
(Pretending to hold up a bowl.)
Like in “Oooo… Mommy. May I have some more?”
LANCE
Well brah, this whole mission made me lose my appetite. I mean, for realz though, why are we still going after the Wolves and their territory? We have enough land. They have enough land. Can’t we just get along and share?
TRISTAN
Share?!
Share?!
We’re Vampires! We don’t share what rightfully belongs to us! And that forest is ours!
DAWSON
A forest with bugs, slugs, and other creepy crawly things? I don’t think so. And, wouldn’t you agree that Vampires are more of a… Hotel-y kind of beings?
TRISTAN
Don’t you have any pride, Soldier?!
DAWSON
Oh, I take great pride of having a room complete with a refrigerator, an ironing board, and those little bottles of shampoo, conditioner, and body wash. That’s luxury, my good chap!
JOSHUA
You ever try a Fried Ham Sammich dipped in a fresh blood au jus?! That luxury is Hella Bussin’!
YEN
Atten-Hut!
ALL of the Soldiers snap to attention.
YEN
What’s the matter with all of you?! You’re a disgrace to your Vampire Ancestors. They ruled this kingdom with our powers of immortality!
LANCE
Then why’d our Ancestors choose for us to be 27 forever, brah!? I mean, 17 would be a total W! No worrying about bills, or having a mortgage… or getting menapause!
DAWSON
Are you talking about the condition that makes men…
…
…
Pause?
LANCE
Exactly!
DAWSON
I believe that Soldier Lance has got a point. Don’t you think it would be odd to live forever? Logically speaking, if by chance, any of us were to pro-create and have children, they would grow up to reach the age of 27, and one could argue that we would no longer be in the role of a parent, as Parent and Child would be the same age. Which would shift the power dynamics from parent and child, to becoming brothers… and sisters. And say, that each of us matures through the natural process of puberty, we would feel compelled to consummate “the feels” as a healthy 17 year old would call them, and thus creating more of Us. It’s the conundrum of an infinite loop of 27 year old brothers and sisters!
ALL
Ewwww!
TRISTAN gathers all his gear.
TRISTAN
You know what? That’s Ew and too much talking and not enough killing.
TRISTAN throws up a Peace sign and begins to exit.
TRISTAN
Deuces!
JOSHUA
Why are you so hell bent on killing a bunch of Wolves?
TRISTAN
It’s because it’s our mission and birth right!
DAWSON
As it’s my birth right to live in a four star hotel! But I’m not going to venture out there by myself and kill for it!
TRISTAN
Have you ever had someone close to you killed in front of you? Have you ever seen your little sister take her last breath? Her dreams of becoming more than this “world of war” ended when those Wolves entered my village just before she her 17th birthday. Why should I place any value on their lives when they failed to see any value in hers?
(Turns to the other Soldiers)
Or in any of your brothers or sisters?! What I’m going to do to them will be worth it.
DAWSON
Then answer me this, what is the Value of life, if both sides continue the cycle of Taking them?
Pauses to let this thought sink in.
JOSHUA
Sargent, have you ever talked to the Lions, Tigers, and Bears?
YEN
Oh my.
TRISTAN
Never! Why would I?
JOSHUA
Then you’re missing out on what it’s like to connect with another being. I’ve learned so much from chatting with them online. Like their language, music, food.
DAWSON
I’ve always been curious as to what types of hotels they would stay in. For instance, are the hotels pet-friendly because they’re technically… animals?
JOSHUA
Actually, the Lions, Tigers and Bears can reside at any hotel they want… together. And some of them are even Rated 5 Stars on Hotels.com.
DAWSON
Hot Dog! Sign me up!
YEN
I can’t believe what I’m hearing! That’s it!
(Takes out her knife.)
I’m killing all of you and then I’m going to take out the Wolves all by myself!
TRISTAN
(Taking out his knife.)
Finally! Some Action!
LANCE, JOSHUA, and DAWSON each takes out their knives.
ALL FIVE begin a face-off as they move in a circle loop with knives in hand.
LANCE
This ain’t fair, brah! I’ve only trained with rubber knives!
TRISTAN
You’re either with us! Or against us!
JOSHUA
That’s So Cliché! Say something original!
YEN
I’m gonna gut you and wear your skin like a Onesie!
DAWSON
Now THAT’S Original!
All 5 have a knife fight where they all keep missing each other and ends in a stalemate with everyone exhausted!
LANCE
I can go.
All day.
Brah.
YEN
I. Can.
Too?
TRISTAN
I Can.
Take.
A Break.
If you.
Take.
One.
Too.
JOSHUA
Deal!
They ALL collapse on the floor.
LANCE
Hey Brah! Does anyone know why we started fighting in the first place?
TRISTAN
Because you took out your knives.
LANCE
Not that. I was talking about the thing between us Vampires and the Los Lobos. Why did we even start fighting each other?
TRISTAN
Because it’s our birth right.
JOSHUA
I thought our first right of birth… is to Live.
YEN
It is. But to keep that right, we need to kill the Wolves.
TRISTAN
So, it’s Us or Them.
DAWSON
Us or them? Why can’t it be just, We?
LANCE
Again, why did we start fighting in the first place?
YEN
I never knew my parents. When I was born, the elder Vampires told me that they were killed by the Wolves. So in each life taken, I avenge their death one Wolf at a time. And that’s the way it’s been between the Vampires and the Wolves for centuries.
But after each kill, I keep having this dream… This dream where I’m in this fog. And on the other side of the dense myst, I hear voices… my parents’ voices calling out to me. I could never make out what they were saying… until I turned 27. In the middle of that dream, I heard them telling me to let go of the rage inside me. To end the fighting. To find peace. To find them.
And I woke up and found this on my arm.
YEN rolls up her sleeve to reveal a tattoo on her inner forearm.
JOSHUA
Wait. Is that real?
YEN nods her head, “Yes.”
JOSHUA then begins to roll up his sleeve to reveal the same tattoo on his inner forearm.
Slowly one at a time, TRISTAN, DAWSON, and LANCE roll up their sleeves to reveal the same tattoo.
LANCE
I had the same dream.
DAWSON
I’ve had that nocturnal vision, as well.
TRISTAN
Me too.
JOSHUA
I can’t get that dream out of my head either.
TRISTAN
So would that make us all…?
JOSHUA
Brothers?
YEN
And Sister?
JOSHUA
I lied about saying why I joined The Vampire Squad. I didn’t need to meet all my online friends… well, not yet.
My mission was to find my parents.
Our Parents.
TRISTAN
They’re still alive?
JOSHUA
They’re living in a new land called Bay-Gel.
LANCE
Brah! As in… a Bagel?
JOSHUA
It’s where Everything lives in Peace… with Each Other.
DAWSON
And with the Lions, Tigers, and Bears?
YEN
And Wolves?
TRISTAN
And No War?
JOSHUA
I decrypted a message sent by our parents. It gave me the coordinates to find them there.
(Pointing to a place above the audiences heads.)
Over that Mountain Top.
YEN
There were never any Wolves over that hill, was there?
JOSHUA nods his head, “No.”
LANCE
Except for the Bagel?
JOSHUA nods his head, “Yes.”
TRISTAN
What do you think, Yen?
YEN
I’ve never known life without War.
LANCE
You mean… Life?
YEN
Yeah.
So, over that hill?
They ALL look over the audience at an imaginary hill and then at each other.
YEN
I’ll race you there!
ALL get into racing position.
Lights Fade Out
END OF PLAY