INFIDELITY ECLIPSED by Conrad A. Panganiban
Cast:
LIPSY SEAGULL, 1920s gumshoe private investigator stuck in 2024 San Francisco
SUNNY LA SUNSHINE, the femme fatale who’s trying to find out who her husband is cheating with
Setting: Inside the Private Investigator office of LIPSY SEAGULL who’s holding a sock. Soft Jazz Music plays in the background.
LIPSY
(To Audience)
It was an abnormally steamy day in the City by the Bay when I was trying to solve the Case of the Missing Sock. And as I took another whiff for a clue-
(As LIPSY smells the sock. Enter SUNNY LA SUNSHINE smoking a cigarette)
SUNNY
Are you the Famous Private Investigator, Lipsy Seagull?
LIPSY
And aren’t you the wife of Ray del Sol, Sunny La SunShine?
SUNNY
I was his wife until he disappeared earlier today. So, I need some investigatin’ to be done. I think he may be two-timing-
LIPSY
Hidin’ his snake-
SUNNY
Rubbin’ his lamp on a monkey?
LIPSY
Climbin’ a construction cone-
SUNNY
So you think he’s cheatin’ on me?
LIPSY
You don’t look like scantron, but when a husband disappears, it usually means he’s usin’ his number 2 pencil to rub on someone else.
SUNNY
That’s why I’m here, Lipsy Seagull. I need you to find out who’s he rubbing his number 2 on. And I mean his penis.
LIPSY
Sorry, Mrs. La SunShine. I don’t take cheating cases anymore.
SUNNY
But it might be Carlene. I seen how they been creepin’ over the Twin Peaks at sunset.
LIPSY
Couldn’t have been Carlene the Fog cuz I tracked them wrapped around couple of big red WOODS last night. I snapped some polaroids, if you wanna see them?
SUNNY
Nah. Ray showed me some of their videos on TreeHub.
What about that spicy cielo from Bolinas? What’s her name?
LIPSY
La Niña?
SUNNY
Yeah. That’s her.
LIPSY
Nah. Haven’t seen Niña or her brother, EL Niño, since they came through last year and made everyone wet. And not in the good way.
SUNNY
That no good Shiny, Blindin’, Son of a Star done left me! That’s why I need you, Lipsy Seagull, to find out who he left with.
LIPSY
(To Audience)
One of the reasons why I didn’t want this case was because of this…
(To Sunny)
There’s one person left you didn’t name.
SUNNY
You can’t be serious. She’d never do that to me!
LIPSY
That’s because only the freaks come out at night.
SUNNY
Moon is not a Freak!
And it wasn’t at night! It was in the middle of the day!
And and AND… SHE’S MY SISTER!
LIPSY
Sorry. Sister’s got needs too.
Take your peepers out da window.
(SUNNY moves towards the window and looks up.)
LIPSY (CONT.)
Don’t forget to wear your-
SUNNY
AGHHHHHHHHHH!!!! MY EYES! I CAN’T SEE!!! THOSE BASTARDS BLINDED ME!!!
LIPSY
Yeah… that’s what happens when you catch them on top of each other.
SUNNY
Motherfuckers! I’m blind!
LIPSY
Well, that’ll be $250. You can pay Doreen at the front.
(Blinded, SUNNY feels her way out the door while LIPSY lights up a cigarette and picks up the phone.)
LIPSY
She just left. Yeah, she saw your full moon on display. Did Ray tell you who stole my missing sock?
BLACKOUT