Image by Muhammad Ragab from Pixabay
PB & J by Conrad A. Panganiban
Cast:
PB, Peanut Butter
A1 (A-One), A1 Steak Sauce, speaks with a Texas Drawl
GP, Grey Poupon, a dijon mustard who speaks with a French Accent
JAY, Jelly
A1/GP/JAY are played by the same actor
Setting: A small table for 2 at a Speed Dating Event
(Ding!)
PB
Wow! Next date already? Who knew that condiment speed dating would be so speedy?!
(Enter A1 wearing a dark brown cowboy hat holding an index card and sits down next to PB.)
A1
(in a Texan accent)
Faster than a tumbleweed greased with Crisco and barbeque sauce! Yeehaw! Hi, I’m A1 (A-One).
PB
Hi, A1. I’m PB. So, do you come to these things often?
A1
Do you use that pick-up line on all the condiments who like to speed date?
PB
Ha ha. No. So umm, what question did they give you to ask me?
A1
Lemme see here. How would you describe your perfect date?
PB
Hmmm… It’d be a nice quiet stroll on a celery stick by the Peanut Farm where I was raised.
A1
Bohhhh-Ring! We’d take my ATV and go huntin’ and fishin’! And for supper, we’d slather what we kill with my A1 Special Sauce!
(Ding!)
PB
Ewwww, wow! Look where the time went. Bye!
(A1 gets up, takes off the cowboy hat, spins around, and puts on a yellow beret.)
GP
(in a French accent)
Ello, Mon Cherie.
PB
Oooo, I love your French accent.
GP
And I love yours, Mon Ami. I am Grey Poupon from Dijon, France.
PB
Oh yes! I remember your commercials from the 80s, “Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon?”
GP
Nobody remembers me, Mon Frère. That’s why I’m looking for true amour. The one who’ll be the perfect compli-mont for my condi-mont.
PB
Oui oui oui! What is your question?
GP
Ah, yes, what is your favorite way to relax?
PB
How thoughtful! It would be exploring new ways to change my looks. Sometimes I feel like dressing up natural, or organic, or crunchy, and depending on my mood, extra creamy.
GP
Rawr! I would love to roast, blanch, granulize, and mix you all up in oily oil before Devouring. Every. Inch! OF! YOU!!!
PB
Uhhh… DING! Oh, look at the time! NEXT!
(GP gets up, takes off the beret, turns around and sits as JAY.)
JAY
Hi. Sorry if I look frazzled. I’m nervous.
PB
Hi, Nervous.
JAY
Oh, no. I’m not Nervous. I mean I am, maybe a little, but that’s not my name. I just got a little creeped out. Did you meet A1?
PB
With the Special Sauce? Uh, no thanks. Who knew there’d be so many creepy condiments looking for the perfect match?
JAY
I know right?! So… do you have a question for me?
PB
Yeah… I do have one. “What’s your name?”
JAY
My friends call me Jelly.
PB
Hi, Jelly. I’m Peanut Butter. Hey, there’s a new Bread Bar that opened up next door. Would you like to check it out with me?
JAY
Yeah. I’d like that.
(Ding!)
BLACKOUT